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Thursday, October 31, 2013
This Isn't Going To Work Because I Don't Like You
You know when you meet someone and at first it's all good? You like the way he looks, he's funny, he gets your funny. He's smart, he's got dimples. Then as you're getting to know the person via BBWhatMessengerChat, you realize you guys just don't gel? Sure, he's not a raging homophobe (true story), or into beastiality (sigh... true story). Those are obvious deal breakers, right? RIGHT?!? Maybe he says something you find incredibly annoying (like "that's wassup" in an un-ironic way) or has John Mayer as his profile pic on Facebook (true story and as confusing as ever). Maybe he's a "drill baby drill" kind of guy while you're a granola muncher. Maybe he calls you "sweet baby love" (ew). The question is, does one overlook the annoying but not awful habit? Does not overlooking said habit make someone a picky bitch?
These are the questions I have to ask myself now. Because my age and ringless fingers are alarming my relatives.
While I'm sure single men of a certain age get hounded as well, being a single woman in her twenties in Nigeria is akin to being an alcoholic. Get ready for conversations to start with "I'm worried about you", prayer circles in your honor and interventions (fo' real). Nevermind that you graduated with honors, are the youngest exec at the company you work for, just climbed Mt. Kilamanjo. You have not wedded so you have not been bedded (because we're all virgins until our wedding night, right ladies) so you have not shot a baby out of your vagina. It ALWAYS comes back to babies. Long story short, I am being introduced to every man with a pulse that is Yoruba (my family's a bunch of tribalists).
I was set up on a blind date by my mother and uncle. It was awkward. It was the worst. A pap smear would have been preferable. The prospect of another blind date is enough to make the pickiest girl reconsider some old prospects, John Mayer profile pic and all.
I'm a Nigerian-American writer who has worked at Harper’s Bazaar, SELF, Popular Science, Essence, Complete Fashion and HELLO! magazine. A self-confessed pop culture addict who left the hustle of New York City behind for the hustle of Lagos. Contact me at email@example.com with your comments and questions about this blog specifically.