Thursday, October 23, 2014

Almost 30.

Holy shit. I'm 28. How the hell did that happen? Where did the time go?

Am I happy to be getting older? Meh. I'm looking forward to my 30s but I worry. I mean, you guys, I thought I'd have a six-pack by now. My core is still soft and my ass is still cellulite-ridden. When will I have time to devote to CrossFit? Am I going to be physically average forever? What the hell am I doing with my life?

It makes me worry about accomplishments. Then I give myself a mental bitch-slap and get it together. I am proud of the life I have even though its not necessarily the life I wanted. Sure, I thought I'd be married with three kids by now. I thought I'd be a homeowner. I thought I'd own a shop. What I have instead is an amazing family, amazing friends, a job I love (when it's not making me crazy) a lot of stamps on my passport and the hard to come by IDM (i'mma do me) attitude . I don't believe in planning anymore. I don't believe in making myself miserable to please others. I do believe in being open to the possibilities of a path I've never walked before. I have no idea what the next year is going to be like and while I'm far from being ecstatic about the uncertainty of it all, I've learned to accept it and embrace it.

So yeah, I still have the athleticism of a stuffed animal. I'm working on it. I'm working on all of it. That counts for something, right?

Thursday, October 16, 2014

This Beautiful Life.

"Don't shut God out".

Disclaimer for the readers that are awesome but not necessarily spiritual: I'mma get very Christian up in here, straight up Saved styles. I promise not to call you soulless atheists if you promise not to call me a bible thumper 'kay?

Sometimes God has a way of reaching out to you in ways you'd never expect. There I was finishing up an awesome interview with Ufuoma Ekpecham, the mastermind behind Josh & Nicol. I had everything I needed for the story but there's something about Ufuoma that makes you want to linger and continue the conversation. I imagine that if we were at a coffee house, we would have closed the place down.

There's no nee to rehash the whole thing. I will say that I am grateful. It was like she was sent to me to help me work through some things and I really really appreciate it. I needed to hear what Ufuoma said. I needed someone who has experienced the kind of loss I've experienced to remind me that now is not the time to shut myself off and be wary of God.

I used to be so strong in my faith. I was sure I had this bigger than life entity in my corner, watching out for me. When Dad and then Jay died, I lost that confidence. I wasn't just heartbroken, I was seriously wary of God and Christians. I basically side-eyed and eye-rolled my way through church on Sundays with the cynicism of a skeptic.

For the first time, I feel like I'm gong to get to a better place emotionally. I pray that as I continue to grow as a person, I'll be better prepared for the obstacles I will inevitably face in life.

Ufuoma, thank you so much. I honestly can't adequately explain what you did for me that day when you chatted with me about your life and when you talked about your relationship with God.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Moving Forward.

One of the biggest shifts in my way of thinking has been the realization that my faith does not exempt me from heartache. Being Christian does not make me special. It seems like a simple enough notion but truly understanding that shit happens regardless of whether you are good or not was a straight-up epiphany.

 Being "good" doesn't mean God, or the universe, or whatever sovereign power, owes me. My faith is not the secret to a life void of heartache. And that shouldn't be the motivation anyway. You can be the most God-fearing person in the world and bad crap may still happen. And that's what we call life.

It's what we do when life isn't all rosy that really matters.These days, my biggest prayer-point is to ask for the strength to get through whatever life decides to throw at me that day. I ask that I never lose my desire to live, that I'm never made bitter by my circumstances, I pray for the strength to always do the right thing, to make compassionate decisions regardless of how many times I've been burned.

I'll tell ya guys, it's a fucking process.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

To All The Insensitive Assholes Out There.

 It is incredibly messed up to assume that because you are a Christian, your life will not be shit one day. Because what you are saying is that every time something bad happens to someone, they somehow deserved it. What you are saying is that they did not pray hard enough.

It's incredibly offensive.

Telling someone who just lost a loved one "I hope he was a Christian" is offensive.
Asking someone who just lost a loved one "Did you guys tithe regularly?" is offensive.

It's always odd to me that the ones that claim to be full of Christ's love are often the most judgmental, inconsiderate, self-righteous people on the planet.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Dear God, What The Hell?

Friends and family often ask how I'm holding up and I try to change the subject as diplomatically as possible.

I actively try not to think about his death because when I think about it, I burst into tears. It's not about being strong for everyone else; I emotionally cannot deal with this new reality so I don't. This is how I function.

So yeah, I guess I'm having a hard time.

Maybe I need more time and distance, something to help me find the reason or lesson in this. Maybe I will never be able to work through everything. I keep on being reminded that sometimes life is hard and unfair and often so sad that it can leave you shaken to the core. But I honestly don't think I need any more reminders.

To be honest, spiritually I've been in a very dark place. How do you move forward when everything you believed about the way the world works has been challenged?