Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Winter Is NEVER Coming.

Not here.

Not in Nigeria.

I can't say I miss walking to the subway station in the snow. I hate feeling cold. I hate wearing jeans and puffy jackets, hats and gloves.

But. It's. So. Hot.

It's insane. If I could walk around in shorts and a tank without incurring the wrath of neighbors who already think I'm a ho, I totally would.

Anyway, this post was really just an excuse to show off my turban and maxi dress!

Look at my dress! I'm wearing a painting.

It's November in the west but here in Nigeria, summer lasts all year long.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Rich Girls Are Annoying.

I graduated from Rollins College. It's a small, fancy, liberal arts school in quaint Winter Park, FL. Going to Rollins was a blessing and I thank God every day for my scholarship donor and the Hamilton Holt School. At $50,000 a year for tuition, there is no way in hell I could afford to go to school there without financial assistance. The Holt school (evening classes) was significantly cheaper and I still needed scholarships to afford going there.

Anywho, one of my professors required the class to act as ushers during a book reading (it was a class of 8) my last year. It was a fancy event so I wore a fancy dress and a cardigan and I made sure my hair was pretty and I wore a little makeup so it looked like I tried. I saw one of my classmates (a day student) and she said hi and I said hi and she complimented me on my dress and I said thanks and told her I bought it at Forever 21.

Later that night when a group of us were together, this same girl points out that a string is loose on the dress. No biggie (I certainly wouldn't have mentioned it), I pulled the string and ripped it off and she said

"That's what you get for shopping at Forever 21".

My first thought: whatabitch!

Second thought: ugh, she's right.

Fast forward to Lagos Fashion and Design Week (I worked the event). Africa may be portrayed as this continent of suffering and poverty but that doesn't apply to everyone. Nigeria's wealthy are WEALTHY.

I was chatting with this girl (who is actually a sweetheart) and she was telling me about her store where she sells designer labels and I expressed interest in buying a handbag that wouldn't fall apart in a month. She asked how much I was willing to spend and I said $400 when I really meant $150. Maybe.

 But y'know, I wanted to look cool in front of the rich girl so I stretched the truth until it looked like a lie.

She laughed. And then told me she didn't have anything that cheap at her store.

$400 is cheap?

Ugh. I need to hang out with poorer people.

Anyway kids, these moments really do build character.

I'm Embarrassed For Justin Bieber

This is late but I still laugh out loud when I see this video and I thought I'd share my thoughts on it and risk the rage of Beliebers everywhere.

This is the first time I've truly experienced fontrum, a term Lainey is fond of, for someone. And it's not the Bieber of today I'm embarrassed for. He's a millionaire with a hot girlfriend and a million girls who'd happily take her place. He does not need my pity.

But 25 year old Bieber... is going to shudder when he watches "As Long As You Love Me". Because it's just so extra. The sexy pouty face, the frolicking with the video girlfriend, the dance sequence!!!

It's a narrative, why is there a dance sequence? Like why?

And I'm sorry but he doesn't need it. He's so talented. He's too good for this boy band shit.

Also, him getting his ass kicked so thoroughly by Michael Madsen is hilarious. They couldn't have him at least throw a punch or push him?

And one more thing, he should never get into acting. Ever.

When You Say "Let's Get Married" You Mean Forever, Right?

Forever eva forever eva forever eva?

I mean... Forever is a long time. A long time to be married to the same person. A long time to be sharing your space with another person. Is it even natural?

How well do you ever really know the person you're married to? It always fascinates me; watching those shows about husbands or wives that end up being serial killers. Not because I'm shocked but because this could happen to anyone! You think you know him/her but unless you have access to his/her head, you don't really know what's going on, do you?

Do you know the person you're sleeping next to?

Should you know the person you're sleeping next to? Call me crazy but there is nothing appealing to me about telling all of my secrets, thoughts, shit to another person. It's private and no I don't want to share. Am I the only one who thinks it's unhealthy to share every aspect of your life with another person?

Under the best circumstances, it's all so final and permanent. And how often is marriage under the best circumstances?

Yes I'm Judging You, Extreme Dog Lover.

I love dogs! I love their faces and the way they look when they're trying to tell you something. I love the way their tails wag when they're excited.

With that said, when I went to New York in September, I watched a lady share a cup of gelato with her maltipoo, using the same spoon. And I feel like a line was crossed.

Is this because I'm not a parent? Because I know how some dog owners are; their pets are their children. Which is great? But we can establish that dogs are not people, right?

I hear you extreme dog lovers: "Dogs aren't people. Dogs are BETTER".

Yeah, I agree with you on most days. I love my dog, Scooby. LOVE him. But Scooby has been known to lick chicken shit.

I'm just saying...

Thanks Everyone.

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to send a big general thanks to everyone who reached out after my dad passed away. I appreciate the notes, texts, calls and all that stuff.

I'm finally going to be uploading new posts. Funny enough I never stopped writing, I just couldn't be bother to hit the publish button. So if you guys don't mind, I'm going to upload all of the old ones today: November 6, 2012.

My my sad, depressing posts will be published first (which will show up after this post if you're reading from the top) just to get them out of the way and then the old regular, happy, silly, posts and then after today, I'll start publishing regularly again.



Nigeria's Voodoo Culture

"Curses only have power when you believe in them”

One of the things that has been floating around since my dad died are rumors that someone killed him with Nigerian voodoo. So I’ve had relatives tell me to watch what I eat and be careful what I tell people about my wherabouts and just general weirdness. The really sad thing is, I’m so used to stuff like this, it’s not weird to me.
Side note: I’ve been watching Practical Magic a lot lately. It's one of my favorites (Nicole Kidman's face!!!!!) I love this movie so much and since I’ve seen it so many times, I don’t really have to focus that much on it to enjoy it.  

One of my favorite quotes is  "Curses only have power when you believe in them”. 

Don't ask me why. I don't know why.
So I wonder, does o juju (voodoo) only have power when someone believes in it?

What do you guys think?

Your Life Is Shit But You've Never looked Thinner.


Serena: So, how's your mom doing, with the divorce and everything?

Blair: Great. So my dad left her for another man. She lost 15 pounds, got an eye-lift. It's been good for her.

Everyone keeps on telling me how thin I look like it's supposed to alarm me. That's the only good thing that's come out of this. I knew the silver lining had to show up somewhere.

How Do You Grieve For Someone Properly?

I happen to know a lot of people who’ve lost their parents. While I’ve always sympathized, there was a detachment from the experience. I think that’s understandable though; how can people possibly understand the loss of a loved one unless they’ve gone through it too?

Instead, I’ve always pitied them, thinking “it’s awful for them but my parents are going to live a really long time”. 

Because they’re invincible?   

I’m obviously a fucking idiot.

Now I look at my friends who’ve lost parents and wonder how they’re even functioning. Because the grief is so overwhelming, I feel like I’m going to crush under it.

At the same time, I don't know if I'm mourning properly. How is someone SUPPOSED to grieve?

For instance, what’s the proper etiquette for announcing a death in the family in the age of social media? Should I update my Facebook status with a message like “my dad died and I’m eating cereal for breakfast”?

These are the things that go through my mind. Maybe I’m focusing on the trivial so I don’t think about other stuff. 

I’ve been actively distracting myself for the last two months. I watch tv shows, I read, I bake, I obsess over my hair.

When it first happened all I wanted to do was exercise. Things have settle down a bit more I guess. I can think about him without bursting into tears. 

Faith and God and Unanswered Prayers

Watching my dad's health deteriorate was hard. I can't find better words for what it was like.

At the end, I didn't know what to pray for anymore. I remember being at the hospital thinking "what would mercy be at this point: a miraculous recovery or a quick death?" Because anything in-between those two would just be cruel.

I sat there thinking I was sure he was going to die. 80% sure. I was also sure God could intervene. Didn't mean he was going to though.

He didn't.

I wasn't mad at God for not answering my MANY prayers, begging for healing.

My faith in God didn't die along with my father but it was shaken. I wasn't angry, I was confused. 

I still wonder how my dad's suffering and death fit into the master plan of life. And I pray all the time saying the same thing with my head bent, like it's a chant: "God I don't understand but help me accept it, I don't understand but help me accept it, I don't understand but help me accept it."

Warning: Ragey Post.

"You loved your father but God loved him more".

This should be added to the list of things you don’t say to people who’ve lost a loved one.

I don't doubt that it's true but it's not very comforting. For one, I'm pretty sure I need my dad more than God does, what with him being God and all.

Two, my dad was in pain and suffered for a long time. You'd think God would have taken him from this world in a more peaceful way.

And three, to me this is the Christian equivalent of "suck it up" which I'd like to respond to by saying "fuck off".