Losing Daddy. One year later.

I wrote this on the one year anniversary of my dad's death but I didn't post it. Here it is:

It's been a year since he died. I've been thinking about this day for a while now. What was it going to be like when my family and I reached that point in our journey? How would we feel?

Well the day is here. I don't know how everyone is feeling. I know I'm a bit surprised. I'm surprised by the normalcy of today. I originally planned to spend the 10th of May at home, allowing myself to cry if I wanted to, stay in bed, sleep, whatever. I was going to allow myself to be sad.

Well I ended up having to run an errand that could not be held off till Monday. I was really annoyed at first. Then a friend sent me a funny message. I replied. I smiled. I sent out messages to other people and before I knew it I was going about my business and the day went by.

Life.

I felt a momentary pang of guilt that I was okay today. Then I mentally shook myself. My dad was a lot of things but he was not frivolous. If I went through with my original plan, he would have told me to get up and shower. He would have said people who stay home don't make money. He would have asked how being lazy was honoring him.

This last year was really hard. I love my mom but it's been an adjustment living with her, finding the balance between being a daughter and a friend. What I've learned is time doesn't make the grief of losing a loved one easier. We just get better at coping. We get stronger. We change out of necessity for the sake of our sanity. We realize we live in a world where prayers go unanswered. We realize we are not special, that there is a plan bigger than our wants. We get up in the morning and go about the business of living. We may be a little less happy. We see our lives for what they really are, fleeting, but we get to have lives and that is a gift. We appreciate that more because we know.

I'm different now. It's not good nor is it bad. I still don't know why things happened the way they did but I can honestly write that I accept that I will never understand.

Life.

 I love my dad and I pray to God that I am making him proud.