Winter Is NEVER Coming.

Not here.

Not in Nigeria.

I can't say I miss walking to the subway station in the snow. I hate feeling cold. I hate wearing jeans and puffy jackets, hats and gloves.

But. It's. So. Hot.

It's insane. If I could walk around in shorts and a tank without incurring the wrath of neighbors who already think I'm a ho, I totally would.

Anyway, this post was really just an excuse to show off my turban and maxi dress!

Look at my dress! I'm wearing a painting.

It's November in the west but here in Nigeria, summer lasts all year long.

Rich Girls Are Annoying.

I graduated from Rollins College. It's a small, fancy, liberal arts school in quaint Winter Park, FL. Going to Rollins was a blessing and I thank God every day for my scholarship donor and the Hamilton Holt School. At $50,000 a year for tuition, there is no way in hell I could afford to go to school there without financial assistance. The Holt school (evening classes) was significantly cheaper and I still needed scholarships to afford going there.

Anywho, one of my professors required the class to act as ushers during a book reading (it was a class of 8) my last year. It was a fancy event so I wore a fancy dress and a cardigan and I made sure my hair was pretty and I wore a little makeup so it looked like I tried. I saw one of my classmates (a day student) and she said hi and I said hi and she complimented me on my dress and I said thanks and told her I bought it at Forever 21.

Later that night when a group of us were together, this same girl points out that a string is loose on the dress. No biggie (I certainly wouldn't have mentioned it), I pulled the string and ripped it off and she said

"That's what you get for shopping at Forever 21".

My first thought: whatabitch!

Second thought: ugh, she's right.

Fast forward to Lagos Fashion and Design Week (I worked the event). Africa may be portrayed as this continent of suffering and poverty but that doesn't apply to everyone. Nigeria's wealthy are WEALTHY.

I was chatting with this girl (who is actually a sweetheart) and she was telling me about her store where she sells designer labels and I expressed interest in buying a handbag that wouldn't fall apart in a month. She asked how much I was willing to spend and I said $400 when I really meant $150. Maybe.

 But y'know, I wanted to look cool in front of the rich girl so I stretched the truth until it looked like a lie.

She laughed. And then told me she didn't have anything that cheap at her store.

$400 is cheap?

Ugh. I need to hang out with poorer people.

Anyway kids, these moments really do build character.

I'm Embarrassed For Justin Bieber

This is late but I still laugh out loud when I see this video and I thought I'd share my thoughts on it and risk the rage of Beliebers everywhere.

This is the first time I've truly experienced fontrum, a term Lainey is fond of, for someone. And it's not the Bieber of today I'm embarrassed for. He's a millionaire with a hot girlfriend and a million girls who'd happily take her place. He does not need my pity.


But 25 year old Bieber... is going to shudder when he watches "As Long As You Love Me". Because it's just so extra. The sexy pouty face, the frolicking with the video girlfriend, the dance sequence!!!

It's a narrative, why is there a dance sequence? Like why?

And I'm sorry but he doesn't need it. He's so talented. He's too good for this boy band shit.

Also, him getting his ass kicked so thoroughly by Michael Madsen is hilarious. They couldn't have him at least throw a punch or push him?

And one more thing, he should never get into acting. Ever.

When You Say "Let's Get Married" You Mean Forever, Right?

Forever eva forever eva forever eva?

I mean... Forever is a long time. A long time to be married to the same person. A long time to be sharing your space with another person. Is it even natural?

How well do you ever really know the person you're married to? It always fascinates me; watching those shows about husbands or wives that end up being serial killers. Not because I'm shocked but because this could happen to anyone! You think you know him/her but unless you have access to his/her head, you don't really know what's going on, do you?

Do you know the person you're sleeping next to?

Should you know the person you're sleeping next to? Call me crazy but there is nothing appealing to me about telling all of my secrets, thoughts, shit to another person. It's private and no I don't want to share. Am I the only one who thinks it's unhealthy to share every aspect of your life with another person?

Under the best circumstances, it's all so final and permanent. And how often is marriage under the best circumstances?

Yes I'm Judging You, Extreme Dog Lover.

I love dogs! I love their faces and the way they look when they're trying to tell you something. I love the way their tails wag when they're excited.

With that said, when I went to New York in September, I watched a lady share a cup of gelato with her maltipoo, using the same spoon. And I feel like a line was crossed.

Is this because I'm not a parent? Because I know how some dog owners are; their pets are their children. Which is great? But we can establish that dogs are not people, right?

I hear you extreme dog lovers: "Dogs aren't people. Dogs are BETTER".

Yeah, I agree with you on most days. I love my dog, Scooby. LOVE him. But Scooby has been known to lick chicken shit.

I'm just saying...

Thanks Everyone.

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to send a big general thanks to everyone who reached out after my dad passed away. I appreciate the notes, texts, calls and all that stuff.

I'm finally going to be uploading new posts. Funny enough I never stopped writing, I just couldn't be bother to hit the publish button. So if you guys don't mind, I'm going to upload all of the old ones today: November 6, 2012.

My my sad, depressing posts will be published first (which will show up after this post if you're reading from the top) just to get them out of the way and then the old regular, happy, silly, posts and then after today, I'll start publishing regularly again.

Thanks,

Juwon

Nigeria's Voodoo Culture

"Curses only have power when you believe in them”

One of the things that has been floating around since my dad died are rumors that someone killed him with Nigerian voodoo. So I’ve had relatives tell me to watch what I eat and be careful what I tell people about my wherabouts and just general weirdness. The really sad thing is, I’m so used to stuff like this, it’s not weird to me.

Side note: I’ve been watching Practical Magic a lot lately. It's one of my favorites (Nicole Kidman's face!!!!!) I love this movie so much and since I’ve seen it so many times, I don’t really have to focus that much on it to enjoy it.  

One of my favorite quotes is  "Curses only have power when you believe in them”. 

Don't ask me why. I don't know why.

 

So I wonder, does o juju (voodoo) only have power when someone believes in it?

What do you guys think?

Your Life Is Shit But You've Never looked Thinner.

 

Serena: So, how's your mom doing, with the divorce and everything?

Blair: Great. So my dad left her for another man. She lost 15 pounds, got an eye-lift. It's been good for her.

Everyone keeps on telling me how thin I look like it's supposed to alarm me. That's the only good thing that's come out of this. I knew the silver lining had to show up somewhere.

How Do You Grieve For Someone Properly?

I happen to know a lot of people who’ve lost their parents. While I’ve always sympathized, there was a detachment from the experience. I think that’s understandable though; how can people possibly understand the loss of a loved one unless they’ve gone through it too?

Instead, I’ve always pitied them, thinking “it’s awful for them but my parents are going to live a really long time”. 

Because they’re invincible?   

I’m obviously a fucking idiot.

Now I look at my friends who’ve lost parents and wonder how they’re even functioning. Because the grief is so overwhelming, I feel like I’m going to crush under it.

At the same time, I don't know if I'm mourning properly. How is someone SUPPOSED to grieve?

For instance, what’s the proper etiquette for announcing a death in the family in the age of social media? Should I update my Facebook status with a message like “my dad died and I’m eating cereal for breakfast”?

These are the things that go through my mind. Maybe I’m focusing on the trivial so I don’t think about other stuff. 

I’ve been actively distracting myself for the last two months. I watch tv shows, I read, I bake, I obsess over my hair.

When it first happened all I wanted to do was exercise. Things have settle down a bit more I guess. I can think about him without bursting into tears. 

Faith and God and Unanswered Prayers

Watching my dad's health deteriorate was hard. I can't find better words for what it was like.

At the end, I didn't know what to pray for anymore. I remember being at the hospital thinking "what would mercy be at this point: a miraculous recovery or a quick death?" Because anything in-between those two would just be cruel.

I sat there thinking I was sure he was going to die. 80% sure. I was also sure God could intervene. Didn't mean he was going to though.

He didn't.

I wasn't mad at God for not answering my MANY prayers, begging for healing.

My faith in God didn't die along with my father but it was shaken. I wasn't angry, I was confused. 

I still wonder how my dad's suffering and death fit into the master plan of life. And I pray all the time saying the same thing with my head bent, like it's a chant: "God I don't understand but help me accept it, I don't understand but help me accept it, I don't understand but help me accept it."

Warning: Ragey Post.

"You loved your father but God loved him more".

This should be added to the list of things you don’t say to people who’ve lost a loved one.

I don't doubt that it's true but it's not very comforting. For one, I'm pretty sure I need my dad more than God does, what with him being God and all.

Two, my dad was in pain and suffered for a long time. You'd think God would have taken him from this world in a more peaceful way.

And three, to me this is the Christian equivalent of "suck it up" which I'd like to respond to by saying "fuck off".

Rest in Peace Daddy.

"God created you perfectly."

The last thing my dad said to me before he passed.

I don't think my dad understood me very much. I'm the 4th daughter and I’ve always been kind of spacey. He was a businessman; I’m artsy. He was a realist; I’m an optimist.  We looked exactly the same (down to the gap in our teeth) but we couldn’t be more different. The great thing about him was he never made me feel inadequate. He was always supportive of my dreams no matter which direction I took them in. My dad was awesome. I couldn’t possibly make anyone understand how awesome in a blog post.

I love him, I miss him and I think about him every day.

*I don't have any recent photos of him and me together because I wanted to wait until he gained some weight.

I’m an idiot.

Interviews are Fun; Joy Adaeze.

Yo homies, I had the opportunity to interview my fab friend (who's also a kick-ass stylist) Joy for Style House Files recently. Click here to check it out.

I love interviews so much! It's a huge part of why I became a writer;  I'm a nosy bitch who wants to know everything about everyone.

Anyway, I had a blast interviewing Joy because she's a pretty fearless chick. And she's also a sweetheart.

Here's the interview below:

She mixes prints like nobody’s business, has a great collection of sunnies, is frequently featured on street style blogs and has been covered by New York Times, Italian Vogue and ESSENCE magazine. Did I mention that she gets to dress people for a living?

I’m talking about stylist/image consultant Joy Adaeze! The fab Nigerian-American is living and breathing fashion; styling shoots for publications like Fashizblack, ESSENCE and Blu as well as writing for ESSENCE, Huffington Post-Black Voices and Heritage 1960.com and she documents it all on her website joylovesfashion.

We’re huge fans and thrilled the fashionista took time out of her busy schedule to talk to SHF about making her passion a career, her favorite job so far and her ridiculous manis and pedis.


SHF: Soooooo, how did you get your start as a stylist?

JA: I got my start as a stylist by interning at Womens Wear Daily. It was amazing assisting the editors there. A fabulous learning experience. After that, I assisted fashion expert Constance White on NBC fashion segments. This was a dream come true for me, as I had admired Constance for a long time!  My goal in the near future is to do fashion commentary on tv- stay tuned for that!

SHF: To date what/who has been your favorite styling job?

JA: My contemporary African themed shoot that I did for Parisian magazine- Fashizblack. Being Nigerian, working with gorgeous African prints is always a thrill. We used designers like Jewel by Lisa, L.A.M.B. and Tory Burch. The photos came out beautifully and the magazine loved it too!

SHF: You could teach a class on accessorizing. Name one item you absolutely cannot leave the house without?

JA: A statement necklace!

SHF: You wear the coolest sunglasses. How many do you own and which ones are your favorites?

JA: I love shades!!! I have over 30 pairs : ) My fav are by Mercura, Urban Outfitters & Vintage brands

SHF: Anyone who reads your blogs knows you're a fearless dresser. Do you plan what you're going to wear way in advance or are you looking in the closet right before you leave your apartment?

JA: I usually am a "grab n' go" dresser! I never plan ahead, unless it's for a big event. I actually love the excitement of getting ready in a rush. It brings a fun unexpected feel to your outfit. All of my New York Fashion Week looks were chosen in under 10 mins as I scrambled around my bedroom, pressed for time! They were also my most fun outfits and I had the great pleasure of being featured in New York Times, Italian Vogue, Daily Candy and a bunch of other great sites. Fabulous : )

SHF: What does your "kicking it at home on a Saturday" uniform consist of?

JA: I like fun prints, vibrant colors and unexpected pieces. You'll find me in a turban and a cute sundress with sandals and loads of accessories!

SHF: You're at the airport waiting for a flight; do you go for comfy clothes or for Posh-worthy attire?

JA: I like to mix the two for what I call "casual fab". This can be a great pair of jeans, a silk top and sleek leather flats. Add a fabulous bag and you're good to go!

SHF: Now that the weather is warming up in New York, which trend will you be rocking this spring?

JA: Crop Tops!!!!!!

 SHF: As a successful stylist, what advice would you give those who want to follow suit?

JA: Find an internship working for a stylist or a magazine that you admire. Learn as much as you can and never be afraid to ask questions or for advice. People want to help but they have to know that you need it. Be sure to keep in touch with everyone. In this industry, connections are essential!

SHF: Can we switch gears for a second and talk beauty? Because your nails are works of art and we're kind of obsessed. Do you let your manicurist (celebrity nail artist Naomi Yasuda) know what you want, let her do her thing or is it more of a collaborative effort?

JA: It's a collabo! I give her an overall idea and we'll give ideas back and forth as we go along! She is truly the best! I love her!

SHF: Last but not least, what's in your makeup bag right now?

JA: I am and always will be a lipstick addict! My favs in my bag right now are Makeup Forever #36 (my trademark magenta color), MAC's Russian Red (gorgeous matte red!) and Estee Lauder's Cherry Kiss (an amazing pinky-red in a fabulous gold case!) I looove vibrant lipstick!!

Feel free to style-stalk Joy as much as we do on her site, JoyLovesFashion.com and you can follow her on Twitter too  @joyadaeze.

You're welcome.

Dating In Your Twenties; A Decade Of Figuring It Out.

"Girls" is that show that had all that buzz around it. The show on HBO about single ladies living in New York. The show people were comparing to "Sex and the City" which I think is unfair.  It's a show written by Lena Dunham, a woman in her twenties,  about women in their twenties. Big difference.

I'll have to check it out before making any comments (I've read the complaints about the lack of diversity)  but thinking about the premise of the show had me thinking about me and my friends, most of us single, in our twenties, living all over the place.

A while back, my sister Yemi and one of our mutual besties Viviam were having a bit of a tiff. It was more of a misunderstanding; Yemi thought Viv was becoming a bit boy crazy and Viv thought Yemi was being insensitive.

I was called by each of them, listened as both ladies made valid points.

Yes, as her friend, my sister should be more supportive. But as Yemi pointed out she "couldn't relate to all the boy drama". And that was the problem.

See, Yemi has not had the always amazing, confidence boosting pleasure of dating in her twenties. She met her fiance when she was 20. There's a whole world out there that she will never experience.

So to her, Viv and I (because I too have called her with the drama) were a little pathetic. She would NEVER say it but I know my sister. She's that girl. The girl who was incredibly blessed with a great guy and a healthy relationship early in life and is looking down at the rest of us with non-malicious pity.

But that's okay with me. I didn't do much of anything as a teenager so I'm due for a few f*ck ups.  I'm also a writer who thrives on experiences and dating in your twenties is definitely an experience.

When you're a teen, there's often an awkwardness, an uncertainty about everything. So when you date mistakes, it's unfortunate but can at least be chalked up to a learning experience. When you're in your twenties, you may not be the wisest of the bunch but you should know better. Which makes the mistakes so much more embarrassing. The knowing that something is wrong/bad for you and going ahead and doing it any way, fully aware of your actions, unable to hide behind naivete.

There's also the pressure; both Viv and I are constantly being asked why we haven't found a proper boyfriend to seriously date and ultimately marry. Is this a cultural thing (Viv's Peruvian-American, I'm Nigerian-American)?  Because gone are the days of just dating for the hell of it. Each guy we date is potentially our husbands to our families and we're both only 26.

Also there's the ick factor. Looking back at the mistakes of my teens, I can laugh it off like "I can't believe I spent so much time on that loser" . But the mistakes of my twenties make me cringe. Viv and I spent a good two hours comparing notes on the symptoms we experience when even thinking of some of our mistakes: slight nausea, shudders and a mixture of shame, mortification and disgust. A wave of "I can't believe I let him touch me" grossed-outness washes over us at the mere thought of certain mistakes. Then the question of why. Why oh why oh why?

I guess it's because dating in your twenties is all about figuring it out. We know what's wrong and what's right but we have to be sure it's wrong or right for us so we go ahead and test the waters. It's about growing up, getting over the uncertainty of our teens, learning not to apologize for figuring out what we want.

It's mostly bullshit but so is everything else in life.

Not Mandatory But Freaking Good: Ara by Brymo

So I'm totally that person who will listen to a new song, gush about that song and find out that "new song" was released two years ago.

Since I'm trying to transition into entertainment writing, I'm working on becoming the person who already listens to the music other people will be obsessing over in a year.

For now, I'm still that person gushing over that not so new song but for the sake of my non-Nigerian friends, I have to.

"Ara" by singer Brymo is currently my jam. I am LOVING this song and so is the rest of Lagos if the amount of times it's played on the radio, at parties, and on people's phones is any indication.

I actually discovered the original because of the remix (which is just as catchy in my opinion). Saeon was scheduled to perform during AMFW and I wanted to read up on her just in case I managed to snag an interview. I heard her version of "Ara" (which means Wonders) and fell in love.

"Ara" is Brymo's (real name Ashimi Olawale) first single under the label, Chocolate City and was released this past September.

Because I am a pathetic excuse for a Nigerian that doesn't know Yoruba, I have no idea what most of the lyrics actually mean. But no matter, it's still gooooood

Click here for the lyrics.

And here for Brymo's Wikipedia page.

Did Brooke Jasmyn and Christian Fields Break Up?

Picture: Necolebitchie.com

I watched Harlem Heights, I loved Harlem Heights, I was annoyed/baffled when BET dropped Harlem Heights after one season.

What did I love about the show? Well, I loved watching a show about young black twenty somethings trying to make it in New York. It was nice to watch a show that didn't embarrass me as a black woman. I personally LOVED Brooke Crittendon (now Brooke Jasmyn). I loved her hair, her work hard, play hard attitude, the glamorous famous ex mystique. Love love love.  And her and Christian Grant-Fields getting together and then getting married? Squeal!!!!

So I need to know: are Brooke and Chris no more? Nothing on Google pops up that confirms this but I follow Brooke  on Twitter (it's not stalking if you admit it) and the tweets are leading me to believe all is not well.

Some tweets that worry me (sorry for the ghetto copy and paste job. I'm writing on my blackberry from a hospital):

 Br00keAtMeNow The thing about starting over is sometimes you look back and realize you already did.

  StilettoJill truth RT @DawnNeufeld Even strong, independent chicks want to be taken care of every once in a while. #justsayin

  AncientProverbs Love makes time pass; time makes love pass. -French Proverb   12 days ago   Retweeted by Br00keAtMeNow

 Br00keAtMeNow Yup, i think that space might be better served as a Music Room...   12 days ago
  TheFireSigns The #Leo heart is slow to heal unlike the other zodiac signs. A #Leo feels things deeply and intensely that others can't.   14 days ago   Retweeted by Br00keAtMeNow

  TheFireSigns Once a #Leo commits themselves to a serious relationship, they are loyal, devoted, truehearted and faithful.   14 days ago   Retweeted by Br00keAtMeNow

  Live4Agreements Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves~ Miguel Ruiz   22 days ago   Retweeted by Br00keAtMeNow

Via @ChrisGFields:
  IAmJacksBot It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.   9 days ago   Retweeted by ChrisGFields

 ChrisGFields ...like so many other things   12 days ago

ChrisGFields Every time you watch the Fab Five story you wish the turnout was different.   12 days ago

ChrisGFields If you really love someone, you're happy for them...regardless of how things turn out.   2 days ag

 ChrisGFields Memories can be torturous sometimes.   13 days ago

 ChrisGFields You might be onto something. RT @MisterMingles: Nice guys finish last!   14 days ago
I'm seriously distraught over this. Someone tell me it's going to be okay.

William Levy Gets Around

Though I'm in a different country, I'm discovering William Levy around the same time as a lot of non-spanish speaking Americans in the United States. They can thank Dancing with The Stars for the discovery but I have to thank Galaxy TV and their telenovela habit. Right now I'm watching Levy's hot ass in two of them; Triunfo Del Amor and Sortilegio.

Oh my god, he's so pretty. Too pretty. Probably a douche. But...I just want to touch his face.

And I want him to carry me like I weigh nothing because he looks like he can.

Hot.

What does he sound like on Dancing with the Stars? I'll die if he sounds like David Beckham.

As far as his acting goes, I can't really comment. Both shows are dubbed over in English and that takes away so much. Not to mention the fact that soap operas are,well, soap operas. But from what I can tell, he's not bad at all.

I'm curious to see what Dancing does for Levy's career. Obviously actors don't need Hollywood's stamp of approval to justify their work but that's obviously what the Cuban actor wants. With the appearance in J.Lo's music video, the Dancing gig and the People cover, Levy is trying to transition. Will he succeed?

I have no idea but I think it's amazing that because of his presence on Nigerian television, people here are more likely to lose their shit over seeing him than they are over Jon Hamm.

In Jesus Name, DIE!!!

With my dad sick, a lot of family members and neighbors have been praying for him and having their pastors call to pray for him as well which is sweet and appreciated.

Some people have even sent their pastors to our house which, you know, is still appreciated but weird. Or am I weird for thinking that? Maybe it's the American in me.

In the last week, we've had over six pastors in our house.

Today's pastors came from The Mountain of Fire church.  The two men went to the living room where my dad was resting and they gave the rest of us (me, Mom, an uncle and an aunt) an outline of what was going to go down (prayer of thanks, some praise songs and then down to the nitty-gritty).

So we're praying and then singing and then the pastor asks us to pray that God has mercy on my dad which made me giggle because the way one guy was saying "have mercy" over and over, my mom was saying "in jesus name" over and over and another guy was just saying "mercy" over and over reminded me a lot of that episode of Potter Puppet Pals.

Anyway, we got to the point where the pastor said something along the lines of "now we will pray that those who have orchestrated Daddy's sickness for their benefit die."

Before I had time to process that,  it started: "In Jesus Name, DIEEEEE!" Over and over again. With someone just screaming "DIE".

I felt like I was listening to death metal.

It seemed to last forever and just when I thought it would never end, we moved on to the next prayer point. Which ended up being a variation of the last one. In fact, almost every prayer point after that involved death to anyone who wished my dad harm.

Oh my dear lord. Guys, I couldn't stop laughing.  I. Could. Not. Stop.

I certainly pray people who don't have my family's best interest in mind stay away but I can't really justify praying for someone to bite the bullet. But two pastors can. And that is what is so twisted about religion, the way people can justify something truly awful by bringing God into it.

Movies To Stop Airing On Africa Magic Channels

So I read this article today. Africa Magic and other African channels have been given till May to stop airing movies.

Hmm. This sounds temporary. I hope it is. Because In the three months that I've been here I have seen Africa Magic airing everywhere from the doctor's office to fast food restaurants. If that channel isn't allowed to air Nollywood movies anymore, does the Film, Video Producers and Marketers Association of Nigeria (FVPMAN) really think people will flock to theaters and buy the movies on DVD?

We live in a world where even Hollywood movies are being released on demand before or as they hit theaters (Last Night is a great example). And watching a movie in the states is not nearly as difficult as watching a movie in Nigeria, where the theater is .more than two hours away (unless you live on the island), the traffic to get there is a nightmare and the ticket is overpriced compared to the standard of living of most citizens. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people don't use DVD players here as much (cable is cheaper than constantly buying new films and TV series).

I'm just saying this may not be the smartest move for the Nollywood film industry.

Every Day I'm Hustlin'

Good morning fellow hustlas.

So in-between hospital stays, I've actually managed to get some writing done (pats self on back).

I'm blogging about all things beauty for Style House Files, an awesome fashion website and I have some other stuff in the works that I'll happily share with you when it's official.

In the mean time, check out some of the posts I've written for SHF here.

Kanye and Kim Are Meant For Each Other

Picture: Courtesy of Drewreports.com

I laughed out loud when I read this article. Are black women really upset that Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian because she's not black?

Oh.

We're still on that in 2012?

Moving on...

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Am I the only one who is in love with these two together? They are PERFECT for each other. And in the words of Lainey, this coupling is going to be good for gossip. So if you love smut, you should want them to be together. You should be thrilled.  Because when they break up ( because obviously), it's going to be EPIC. Can you imagine the twitter rant we'll get from Kanye when that happens? Can't wait!

God, I hope he writes a song about it.

I Guess I'll Never Be a Nurse

My dad had surgery, It was wildly successful,went far better than any of us hoped it would. Now he's recovering at home.

 No one ever talks about how once the initial health crisis is over, the recovery becomes the real challenge. In fact, it's a real bitch.

Post-delivery, my father is the grumpiest, most miserable person I've ever had to deal with. And I'd love to be able to be able mention with fake modesty how I've managed to persevere  and have been the model-caretaker through this getting better process.

But the truth is half the time I want to slap him and I have snapped a couple of times in response to his rudeness, inconsideration and general Debbie Downer ways. Some days, I wish I was back in New York and blissfully unaware of what's going on.

I'm an awful daughter.

Getting Peed On By Dad and Other Misadventures of March

So Arise Magazine Fashion Week happened but I had to leave early. That was pretty much the beginning of the worst month ever.

See my dad's been sick and while I was on the island with the models, designers and fashion bitches, his health got worse.

March marked a lot of firsts. I stayed overnight in a Nigerian hospital for the first time, my father cried in front of me for the first time, and he peed on me (accidentally). It's been quite the bonding experience.

Dealing with my father during his sickness has been like dealing with a child. Except this child remembers he's the adult that brought me into this world at the most inconvenient times. When that happens, I'm the recipient of a verbal beating that would land most people in therapy.

When it comes to life I try to not take things too seriously (hence the haha tone in this post) but I'm not going to lie, it's been tough.  I'm thankful to God for my family right now. When shit hits the fan, we always manage to laugh while we're cleaning up the mess.

Quote It

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."

Elizabeth Taylor

Not Mandatory But Freaking Good: The American Dream: An African Tale

Hey guys! I've been meaning to blog about this for months but my internet situation made it difficult. Since I'm in a hotel with awesome wifi, I'm taking advantage and uploading as many posts and vids as possible!


A few months ago, my sister Shola (the one who's a filmmaker) started interviewing Africans living in the United States about their experiences for a web series. The result is a honest and sometimes funny look into living in America as a foreigner, or in my case, a first generation American.


I recommend everyone check it out not only because Shola is my sister and I love her to pieces but because it's good to learn about other cultures; there's a whole world out there!


Episode one is below and the other episodes can be found here and you can listen to more from each interview, here.


Let me know what you guys think!
Episode 1: Olajuwon Ajayi from The UR4Africa Project on Vimeo.
The American Dream: An African Tale is a web series about the African experience in America.

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Episode 2: http://vimeo.com/34386653

I'm Not Allowed To Carry My Own Bag In Nigeria

You know what irks me? I get here and I'm washing plates or sweeping and people are always shocked. Like growing up in America has rendered me incapable of wiping my own ass. It's even worse when I go to my father's village; if I'm carrying a suitcase into the house (the same suitcase I carried into the car) I get intersected at least three times by people who insist on carrying my stuff for me. I know they're coming from a good place but it's the most irritating thing EVER.

I'm not some lazy shit that doesn't like to move. Let me carry my own bag.

Getting Old Sucks

Allmoviephoto.com

 

In a time of absolute desperation, I did something I never thought I’d be able to again: I watched “The Notebook”. It was on my sister’s old laptop that my parents now own. I don’t really know how it happened; it was late, I was desperate. I was in the middle of f-cking nowhere (the village) and I didn’t have any books or films with me, okay?

Now please don’t take this as a diss to the film. There is nothing wrong with the film. I absolutely love Rachel McAdams and think Ryan Gosling is lovely in everything, I just didn’t love “The Notebook” the way others did. Do you remember all those gifs that were made during the height of its popularity? It was the most annoying shit ever.

BUT

I found myself tearing up during the movie when the older Noah talks about all of his health issues, calling it “a general wearing down of the body”. Spending time with my parents has brought that line home for me. They’re getting old. They get tired so easily now, they forget things. These are two very active people who enjoy constantly being on the go who have now been halted by the aging process. That’s what’s so heartbreaking about it. Their bodies are betraying them and it’s so unfair. Getting old is unfair.

Real Men Drink Guinness

I love this ad so much, I take pictures of the billboards whenever I’m out.

Guinness is a staple in Nigeria. Every time I see this ad I think of my father and uncles (all manly men) sitting at the table, enjoying their stouts.

Imagine a bunch of manly men at a table. Now say “come drink at the table of men” but say it in a deep voice. Think Gerard Butler as Leonidus in 300.

See?

The Shelf Life of a Famewhore

Topnews.in

"Listen to Paris Hilton’s New Single (At Your Own Risk)". That’s the title of People.com’s review of Hilton’s new song “Drunk Texting”.

Yes, that seriously is the name of the song.

There was a time when all of these news sites gave Hilton the time of day. Now she openly gets mocked on People.com. It happened to her, it happened to Speidi, believe me, it’ll happen to the Kardashians.

Chris Brown, Rihanna and The Girlfriend No One Really Cares About

Are Chris Brown and Rihanna going to be making music together again? Word on the street is they are. And they’re all buddy-buddy again. And possibly in love depending on which site you read. And that’s their right, I guess. Though I happen to agree 100% with Britni who brought up some great points on her site.

Do you ever wonder how Chris Brown’s girlfriend feels about the rumors? You know, his cute gal Karrueche Tran? The girl who looks like she should be on Sailor Moon?

I didn’t even know they were still together until I saw photos of them at the airport.

She’s gotta be worried, right? Between the love-proclaiming tweets and collabos? What do you do in her situation? Because she’s really (really) pretty. But she’s not Rihanna. And her claim to fame is a dude who beat his last girlfriend up.

It’s not like Chris Brown isn’t with Rihanna because HE dumped HER. And that always makes it different, doesn’t it? When you’re not the one who chose to end things doesn’t it make the moving on harder?

She’s not even part of the discussion and that's embarrassing. Is he worth it?

Revisiting The Wedding Planner

Guess what was on Universal Channel on Valentine’s Day and again a few days later? “The Wedding Planner”! Did you know Jennifer Lopez was the first woman to have the number 1 movie and the number 1 album in America at the same time? If you ask me, the album wasn’t bad (if you like that sort of thing). The movie, on the other hand, was shit. Plain and simple. I re-watched it for the first time in years and I couldn’t believe how bad it was. I couldn’t believe Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey starred in it.

Was it always this bad or has my taste gotten better with age?

Something you should know about me: I’m not the biggest romantic comedy fan. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll watch it on TBS on a Saturday when I’m deep-conditioning my hair. But I will never pay to see a romantic comedy in a theater because I can’t justify sitting an hour and a half through a movie I haven’t seen before when I know how it’s going to end. Am I alone in this?

I get that I’m a minority when it comes to rom-coms. People are happy watching the same story over and over. For instance, Yemi loves romantic comedies; the more formulaic they are, the better. She has also seen every movie that has been adapted from a Nicholas Sparks book.
 
What does a romantic comedy need to not make you want to gag? For me it has to be funny as hell and not in a Katherine Heigl movie kind of way.

What about you guys?

Posing On The Red Carpet Like Lea Michele

Bellanaija.com

 

A lot of people tease the Lea Micheles and the J.Los of the world. The women who pose for a photo like they’re being shot for a Vogue cover. Until the photo comes out and they always look good while your ass looks ten types of fug in every photo you take (by you I mean me).

Arise Magazine Fashion Week is coming up in March. Last year I was photographed. I look constipated in the photo.

Should I start practicing my poses?

What Kind of Season Will We Get With Emily As Bachelorette?

I can’t wait for Emily’s season of “The Bachelorette”. Will it be the most boring season ever? How could it be? Look at her. Men get so stupid around pretty girls. Imagine the possibilities! The anticipation is killing me

I saw recent pictures of Emily with Ashley and Ali. Did she already get a Bachelor makeover? I didn’t think you could improve a Barbie but she’s even hotter now. The cake face is gone; she looks fresher. Her hair is all flowy and blonde, her boobs are fantastic, she’s tiny, she’s tan, she’s perfect. The men on her season are going to go ape-shit.

Will Emily live up to her rep as beautiful but frigid or will she be ridiculously fun to watch? I think we’ll see a different side. I think Emily will let her hair down a bit. She’s not going to slut it up (she’s a mother y’all) but she’s 25 and the guys will be on her turf for much of the “journey”. Team Bachelor has made this process a lot easier for her.

I read EW’s post in response to the news that Emily was the new bachelorette.

Should I feel bad for wanting the same hot mess shenanigans the show always delivers? It’s not like I don’t want the girl to find love; I’m not a complete bitch. But let’s get real: TV is for entertainment. The Bachelor/Bachelorette is a reality TV show. There are hundreds of less humiliating ways to find love so the way I see it, Emily is fair game.

What do you think Bachelor fans?

"The Hunger Games" Second Trailer

The second trailer is out and I haven’t seen it yet because my Internet is slow as hell. These are the moments, people. These are the moments when I get bitter. Because it used to be so easy to just go to Youtube.com, enter “new Hunger Games trailer” into the search engine and watch a video that is probably 4 minutes max. Here, loading a 4-min video is something that will take hours.

Anyway, I’m counting down the months. They’re currently showing “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”, “Immortals” and “Breaking Dawn: Part 1” here so I’m pretty confident that they’ll show “The Hunger Games” too. The film opens in the states in March meaning it probably won’t show in cinemas here till April, maybe May. So I have to wait a while longer to watch it. But just knowing I get to experience it in a theater makes me all warm inside.

Emily Maynard Steals Ben Flajnik's Thunder.

I finally gave in and read Kristen Baldwin’s recaps of “The Bachelor” on EW.com. Sounds like this season is interesting. Ben is a different kind of bachelor, Courtney’s a bitch and there are a lot of criers this season which is saying something considering the show I’m writing about.


Despite all of that, I’m okay with missing Ben’s season. I don’t mind finding out who’s going to end up with the hot, geeky, wine-maker on a blog. I can wait till I come back to New York to watch the episodes (it probably won’t be my number one priority but I will watch).


Why am I, a self-confessed Bachelor freak, so chill?


Emily is the new bachelorette. Her season is the season to watch.  In my eyes, Emily has already made Ben's season irrelevant which may have been intentional on Team Bachelor’s part since this season’s  ratings are so low.

The Movie “Bachelorette” Is Not Funny, Just Mean.

So The Sundance Film Festival happened this past week. I read Entertainment Weekly and Laineygossip.com to get an idea of which films people are buzzing about. I’ve been looking forward to “Bachelorette” for a while now so I was kind of surprised to read that people aren’t feeling it at all. Is it not funny? How could it not be funny? This is a film that stars Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher and Lizzie Caplan, all solid, funny actresses in my opinion.

It turns out people are saying the film is less funny and more mean.

What does that even mean?

I don’t know but according to Lainey (in my head we're on a first name basis), it was so mean-spirited it made L.A. people uncomfortable.

I guess that's saying something?

Joseph Gordon Levitt's Hotness and Revisiting Inception

I re-watched “Inception” recently. I’ll get to that later. Right now, I want to gush about how I was hit in the face with how hot Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in that movie. And in life. Have you seen this video? 

As a hardcore Leonardo DiCaprio fangirl, I am shocked all over again at how little he does for me in that movie. The first time I watched “Inception”, he didn’t even register.

Anyway, I loved the film as much as I did the first time. Goosebumps love, the kind of love you have when you’re thankful you got to watch something truly spectacular. I can’t understand why “Inception” wasn’t more popular and the only conclusion I was able to come up with is that people are so used to shit, they’re taste buds are all fucked up. It’s like they’re desensitized to good movies.

Either way, I can’t wait for Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight Rises”.

A Pitcher of Sangria Please

I miss drinking. I miss meeting up with friends, ordering some cocktails and enjoying a night out. I miss unwinding with my roommate, digging into some chips and guacamole and sipping some sangria  (all homemade cuz that’s how we roll). 

I miss Monday nights with a bottle of Merlot, watching "The Bachelor" and tweeting about it. I miss ending the night (or starting the day depending on how you look at it) at Horus with shots of Tequila.

I miss my social life.

Is Halle Berry The New Jessica Simpson?

Halle Berry is launching a shoe line.

Meh.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Halle is gorgeous and she has one of those bodies that make everything look good.

 But like her acting, her style doesn’t really leave me inspired. It’s nice enough, but it’s not amazing. She doesn’t make me want to buy anything she co-signed on because I never look at an outfit she’s wearing and think “what great style”.

Then again, neither did Jessica Simpson and look at her.

Airing Reality Television Overseas: Are We Giving Other Countries The Wrong Idea About Americans?

I can’t get “Modern Family” here but they air “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, “Basketball Wives” and shows like them. And that’s fine. Back in the states, I watched and enjoyed “The Jersey Shore” more than anyone should so I get it. But people need substance to survive. They need more than crack. That’s what these shows are; crack cocaine.

I recently read an interview actor Brian J. White gave. In that interview he talked about black women being stereotyped because of shows like “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” and “Love and Basketball”.

I used to get so annoyed by the argument that television was bad for the youth. The idea that watching a couple getting hot and heavy on “Melrose Place” or watching someone get shot on “NYPD Blue” (I’m totally aging myself) would directly affect young viewers was laughable to me. I argued that people gave television too much credit.

And that’s essentially the same argument as the stereotypical black females on reality TV one, right? People are upset because they think viewers watching those shows will think all black women are loud, money-hungry famewhores and young viewers will want to emulate them. But who’s stupid enough to think a whole race of women are no different than a couple of chicks on TV?

Now I’m not so sure.

I live in a country where a lot of people have never interacted with a foreigner before. And I know for a fact that a lot of Nigerians get their information about Americans from movies and television. Can you imagine the warped ideas people have about the United States if all of their information comes from rap music videos?

Fuck standards. We're rich!

So now, when I watch an episode of  “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” here in Lagos, I’m kind of filled with horror. Do Nigerians think all Americans are like that?

To Read Or Not To Read: Recaps

I’m still undecided about reading recaps of my shows while I’m away. I usually don’t since I hate spoilers and would rather just wait till I can watch my shows. This means when I’m in Nigeria, I avoid Gawker, Entertainment Weekly and Duana’s posts on Laineygossip.com like they’re men with Herpes. But six months is an awfully long time not knowing.

Team Bachelor Finally Got Emily Maynard!

Emily Maynard is going to be the next Bachelorette! On one hand, yes! This couldn’t have been more perfect if I dreamed it up. Word on the street is Bentley is trying to compete during her season. Will ABC let him? Of course they will.

On the other hand, ick. This chick went on and on (and on) about wanting privacy – she’s a mom y’all – and not being a famewhore and really trying to make things work with Brad Womack. Why did she agree to find love on national television with a show that has a shitty success rate?

How much money do you think they offered her to agree?

*Kanye Shrug* I’ll watch regardless.

Revisiting Four Weddings and a Funeral

Do you have a film that you watch when you’re just having one of those shittier than usual days? I have about eight. “Eurotrip” is on that list as well as “Groundhog’s Day” and “Hot Tub Time Machine”.  I left all of my movies at home because I wanted to “focus on my writing". 

I hate myself for doing that. 

Luckily, my sister left hundreds of her films behind and in that collection was another film on my list: “Four Weddings and a Funeral”.

I love this movie so much. I can’t even begin to explain. If you’ve never seen it, watch it! If you have seen it, watch it again! It’s a perfect film, a romantic comedy without the insult to your intelligence. It’s a testament to how hot Hugh Grant once was. It’s a reminder that we Americans have yet to pull a film like this off.

Do We Want Izzie Back At Seattle Grace?

Katherine Heigl would love to return to “Grey’s Anatomy”.  But do we want her back?

Yes. No. Maybe.

God, I love Izzie and would love to see her back on Grey’s because I miss her on Grey’s. I really, really do. My heart broke when she left (click here). But the lady who plays her is so annoying. Tell me what to feel guys.

While she's probably banking, Heigl's career has been sucking lately from a creative standpoint. She's been in one shitty film after the next. And I don't get it.

She is a great actress; why is she agreeing to star in these atrocious films? Why is she such a smug bitch in interviews? Why is she making it so hard to root for her?

Damn.

When in Rome...

Re-runs of this? FML.

When you’re living in a different country, it’s important to be able to adapt and embrace your new environment.  When in Rome, don’t be the douchey American who brings his own utensils to a restaurant.

But when it comes to television, I just can’t. Because I’ve tried watching Nigerian television shows and I’m rolling my eyes so much, I look like I’m having a seizure.

The truth is, a lot of the shows here suffer from repetitive storylines, bad acting and even worse editing. I can deal with one of these issues but not three at the same time.

So I’m incredibly thankful for cable. It’s a luxury that I couldn’t afford on my own in the states but my parents are smart people; they bribed me into staying longer with the promise of cable television and all the cherimoya I can eat.

We have DSTV’s Family package so I don’t get MNet, which sucks (that channel shows “Glee”, “Grey’s Anatomy” and other shows I actually watch). But since we rarely have light during the day anyway, it’s not that big a deal.

What we do get is the Universal Channel, home of “Two and a Half Men”, “CSI” and every other crime/ law/ police drama that’s ever been on TV as well as B movies Lifetime wouldn’t air. On the bright side, “House” airs on Tuesdays at 8:50 pm. I’m down.

MNet Series Africa airs “The Bachelor”. Yesssssss! It’s two seasons behind but I may watch it anyway. Season 1 of “Parenthood” comes on at 8 on Sundays. “The 9 lives of Chloe King” and “Hellcats” air on Mondays. I tried watching Chloe King on Netflix one day. It was unusually bad. “Being Human” comes on after that though and I’ve wanted to watch it. Has anyone seen that show?

SCORE! “The Office” comes on right after “Friends With Benefits” (another show I wanted to check out) on Tuesdays.

“Switched at Birth” comes on Thursdays and “Person of Interest” on Fridays.

Do you think less of me since I'm putting together a schedule?

Happy New Year!

Greetings from Nigeria readers! I’m starting 2012 in a different country and have spent the last week eating, catching up with family and doing all the things I usually do when I’m on vacation. But this trip home is a little different from others as I mentioned (click here) because I’m not visiting for a few days; I’m going to be here for a few months. Since I don’t want to be a lazy fuck who sits on my ass all day and gets fat, my vacation is over. I’m rested, my blackberry service is up and running and I’m ready to start some sort of a normal schedule.

So I told myself I wasn’t going to do this because my time could be put to better use but I’ve spent the last four hours trying to stream an episode of “The Vampire Diaries” on my laptop.


Pathetic.

January is kind of a big deal for the TV addict. Last week shows started airing new episodes and I’m missing everything! I’m missing mid-season premieres and series premieres. I’m missing Twitter convos and EW.com and Gawker.com recaps because I REFUSE to go on any sites that may have spoilers. I’m missing phone conversations about “Revenge” with Johanna and texts to Viv about every ridiculous reality television show airing because she gets as much pleasure from seeing people act stupid as I do. Don’t get me started on missing “The Bachelor”. I know it’s shit but it’s shit I enjoy and my Monday nights feel so empty without it.

So I’m up trying to stream an episode of TVD just so I know I can.

I know people live without American television all over the world and they are happy human-beings but I can’t help but feel incomplete now.

I know. Pathetic.

How has 2012 been for you so far?