Mindy Kaling and That Question About Her Racial Preference

Let me set the scene: It's the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and E! correspondent Alicia Quarles (African-American) is interviewing celebs on the red carpet. Mindy Kaling (American-Indian) stops on her way inside to give an interview and part of their conversation goes a little like this:

 Quarles:'So who's your type?
 Kaling: 'Who's my type? Good looking,'
 Quarles: 'Okay, so any color?'
 Kaling: 'Yeah'
 Quarles: 'Girl, kiss some Black men on that show.'
 Kaling: 'Oh, I have and I will. It’s something people can look forward to.'

Hmmm.  This racist-ish interview... will be addressed another time.

Have you ever been asked what your racial preference is when it comes to dating?

 I have. A lot.

 It seems like an innocent enough question but it's weird that it even matters.

What I have discovered is that a lot of my friends think I "belong" with someone outside of my race. I've been told that I should date white men because black men can't "handle" me. I've been told I'm the kind of black girl that should be dating a white guy.

 What kind of Black girl can handle a Black guy? What does that even mean?

It irritates me that because of my personality, people feel I'm somehow not right for a black male.  But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself I don't care.

Because guess what? I am an equal-opportunity employer. My preference is HOT. I also like them funny, considerate and good to their families. I like a guy that is just as comfortable at a Kanye concert as he is at a Foo Fighters concert. I like a guy who has morals. I like guys who work hard. And I like them hot. Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, John Cho, Diego Luna, God-Bless-Your-Parents-Your-Ass-Is-Fine-Hot.

But it's not a deal-breaker if you're awesome.

At the end of the day if you're with someone you love and who treats you right, does it really matter how much melanin he/she has?

When Your Taste in Men is Shit.

I realized I've been dating for ten years. Isn't that crazy? I don't even know how to feel about that. If dating was a career and the last ten years were a bust, wouldn't it be time to switch careers?

Or is it more about the journey and all that other zen stuff?

We can all hope that as we age, we wizen up. I certainly have. There are a lot of things I believed in and did in my late teens/early twenties that I now realize was just stupid. For example, after reflecting on the past ten years, I can admit my taste in men was bad.

I would have saved myself a lot of time if I had some standards and stuck to them.

I realize now that:

I no longer feel the need to entertain a guy just because he's interested in me. 

My mother has started giving my number out to randoms. I guess I should be more upset but I really don't care. My policy is "just because you call, doesn't mean I have to pick up the phone."

I can't tell you how many guys I went out with because I wanted to give them a chance, even though I wouldn't let them near my hands, let alone my vagina. Ladies, if you're not into the guy asking, don't feel bad about it and go out with him anyway.


Sensitive, arty types with hipster tendencies are the WORST.

Having a boyfriend seemed like one of the most amazing things ever as a teenager. But it wasn't just about having a boyfriend, it was about having the right boyfriend. I'm a product of the 90s and I was an angsty youth which pretty much means Angela Chase was my jam. So in my head, the perfect guy for me had to be sensitive but strong, self-deprecating but confident, good-looking but completely unaware of it, and an artist (because I wanted someone who would "get me"), a fan of indie music (being in a band was negotiable).

28 yr old me to 17 yr old me: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 

Does a good-looking artist who is confident but modest exist? I'll never know because I am done with artists.

What used to sound so cool to me is, in reality, a freaking nightmare. I dated an actor for a while. I have never been with a more confused, indecisive person in my life. There's nothing romantic about a guy that doesn't know what he wants.

Guys either like you or they don't.

Look, don't waste your time with guys who can't take the time to pick up a phone and call. Don't waste your time on a guy that makes every single warning sign buzz and light up. If you have to constantly rationalize why he:

only texts you at night,

is in a "complicated" relationship,

likes you a lot but doesn't want to put labels on anything,

doesn't know what you do for a living/ what your last name is/ takes you to a steak restaurant on your bday even though you're a vegan and you told him that (true fucking story).

ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!

So my goal in life is to find a balance between these ideas:

Don't waste your time. 

AND

Don't crap on anything in life that teaches you a lesson and helps you grow.

Here's to figuring it out.

This Isn't Going To Work Because I Don't Like You

You know when you meet someone and at first it's all good? 

You like the way he looks, he's funny, he gets your funny. He's smart, he's got dimples. Then as you're getting to know the person via BBWhatMessengerChat, you realize you guys just don't gel?

Sure, he's not a raging homophobe (true story), or into beastiality (sigh... true story). Those are obvious deal breakers, right? 

RIGHT?!? 

Maybe he says something you find incredibly annoying (like "that's wassup" in an un-ironic way) or has John Mayer as his profile pic on Facebook (true story and as confusing as ever). Maybe he's a "drill baby drill" kind of guy while you're a granola muncher. Maybe he calls you "sweet baby love" (ew).

The question is, does one overlook the annoying but not awful habit? Does not overlooking said habit make someone a picky bitch?

These are the questions I have to ask myself now. Because my age and ringless fingers are alarming my relatives.

While I'm sure single men of a certain age get hounded as well, being a single woman in her twenties in Nigeria is akin to being an alcoholic. Get ready for conversations to start with "I'm worried about you", prayer circles in your honor and interventions (fo' real).

Nevermind that you graduated with honors, are the youngest exec at the company you work for, just climbed Mt. Kilamanjo. You have not wedded so you have not been bedded (because we're all virgins until our wedding night, right ladies) so you have not shot a baby out of your vagina.

It ALWAYS comes back to babies.

Long story short, I am being introduced to every man with a pulse that is Yoruba (my family's a bunch of tribalists).

I was set up on a blind date by my mother and uncle. It was awkward. It was the worst. A pap smear would have been preferable. The prospect of another blind date is enough to make the pickiest girl reconsider some old prospects, John Mayer profile pic and all. 

Dating In Your Twenties; A Decade Of Figuring It Out.

"Girls" is that show that had all that buzz around it. The show on HBO about single ladies living in New York. The show people were comparing to "Sex and the City" which I think is unfair.  It's a show written by Lena Dunham, a woman in her twenties,  about women in their twenties. Big difference.

I'll have to check it out before making any comments (I've read the complaints about the lack of diversity)  but thinking about the premise of the show had me thinking about me and my friends, most of us single, in our twenties, living all over the place.

A while back, my sister Yemi and one of our mutual besties Viviam were having a bit of a tiff. It was more of a misunderstanding; Yemi thought Viv was becoming a bit boy crazy and Viv thought Yemi was being insensitive.

I was called by each of them, listened as both ladies made valid points.

Yes, as her friend, my sister should be more supportive. But as Yemi pointed out she "couldn't relate to all the boy drama". And that was the problem.

See, Yemi has not had the always amazing, confidence boosting pleasure of dating in her twenties. She met her fiance when she was 20. There's a whole world out there that she will never experience.

So to her, Viv and I (because I too have called her with the drama) were a little pathetic. She would NEVER say it but I know my sister. She's that girl. The girl who was incredibly blessed with a great guy and a healthy relationship early in life and is looking down at the rest of us with non-malicious pity.

But that's okay with me. I didn't do much of anything as a teenager so I'm due for a few f*ck ups.  I'm also a writer who thrives on experiences and dating in your twenties is definitely an experience.

When you're a teen, there's often an awkwardness, an uncertainty about everything. So when you date mistakes, it's unfortunate but can at least be chalked up to a learning experience. When you're in your twenties, you may not be the wisest of the bunch but you should know better. Which makes the mistakes so much more embarrassing. The knowing that something is wrong/bad for you and going ahead and doing it any way, fully aware of your actions, unable to hide behind naivete.

There's also the pressure; both Viv and I are constantly being asked why we haven't found a proper boyfriend to seriously date and ultimately marry. Is this a cultural thing (Viv's Peruvian-American, I'm Nigerian-American)?  Because gone are the days of just dating for the hell of it. Each guy we date is potentially our husbands to our families and we're both only 26.

Also there's the ick factor. Looking back at the mistakes of my teens, I can laugh it off like "I can't believe I spent so much time on that loser" . But the mistakes of my twenties make me cringe. Viv and I spent a good two hours comparing notes on the symptoms we experience when even thinking of some of our mistakes: slight nausea, shudders and a mixture of shame, mortification and disgust. A wave of "I can't believe I let him touch me" grossed-outness washes over us at the mere thought of certain mistakes. Then the question of why. Why oh why oh why?

I guess it's because dating in your twenties is all about figuring it out. We know what's wrong and what's right but we have to be sure it's wrong or right for us so we go ahead and test the waters. It's about growing up, getting over the uncertainty of our teens, learning not to apologize for figuring out what we want.

It's mostly bullshit but so is everything else in life.

JMO: Finance Guys and Gold Diggers

So I'm browsing Gawker.com (because I love it so) and I notice there are a lot of posts about finance guys (because let's face it, most of the stories are about men) and how dating them almost always ends in disaster. From there I stumbled across the GS Elevator twitter feed which I find hilarious and my sister finds horrific.

*Am I a bad person for laughing? I don’t think so. I’m just not surprised that people can say evil things.

Anyway, I feel like it's 2009 again and the uproar about the whole Dating A Banker Anonymous “support group” is still fresh. Are you completely drawing a blank? Click here for a refresher. 

Though Dabagirls.wordpress.com no longer exists, there's something that never gets old about this topic: men who are banking and the women who date them. 

What I find funny is the outrage. The ladies that started the Dabagirls site received all types of hell. Not for duping The New York Times but for being honest about their preferences. And now with the stories on Gawker, people are so quick to chime in with their “maybe next time she’ll think about dating someone for more than just money” comments. Oh please. 

It’s not just the money, it’s the lifestyle. It’s dating someone who speaks your language and is interested in things that interest you. Let’s take the paychecks out of the equation for a minute; what does a teacher have in common with a woman who works in an industry like fashion? What the hell are you guys going to talk about on a date? I’m not saying it never happens but women who date guys in finance aren’t likely to date the guy who majored in education because they live totally different lives. These women aren’t gold-diggers; they’re snobs (no judgment ladies. Everyone is a snob about something).

I have very little sympathy for most guys because THEY make it about the money. I’m sure this doesn’t apply to all men but there are enough of you. If you’re doing well financially the majority of the conversation you have with a woman involves how many figures you make, how exclusive your neighborhood is, where you vacation, and how often you frequent the best restaurants in the city. You’re basically telling her that the only redeeming quality you happen to have is your bank account.

If you’re just never going to make the big bucks, you still make it about money. Except you go on the offensive and go on and on about how money is the root of all evil like you’d turn up your nose to a million dollars. And then you start talking about how you’re looking for a woman who “isn’t a diva” or “is down to earth” as if a woman can’t be ambitious if you’re not.

So my question is why do men make it all about money? How about having a personality?

Boys. A Lesson.

This is the most recent lesson I’ve learned about the opposite sex but I’m sure it can be applied to females too.

For the last eight years, I have been in love with the same person. You could say we were in a relationship. Except, you have to commit to someone to be in a relationship. So forget about the relationship part.

You know how in season two of Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith gives Derek the “choose me” speech (I totally recommend you watch it; it’s very touching)?

Anyway, while he doesn’t choose her at first, he does by the end of the season. Problem resolved in about ten episodes. Aww, what a sweet scripted scene from a television show!

Am I bitter? Of course I am.

See, I gave that boy the “choose me” speech pretty much every six months for years. I did everything but beg him to trust me enough to believe it when I said I wanted to be with him. But he never did and I felt like I somehow wasn’t doing enough for him to feel secure in what we had. So I gave more speeches and I wrote more emails. Do you know what I learned from this?

Don’t be with a guy who’s insecure because you will spend years trying to reassure someone who can’t be bothered to reassure you.

Along this eight year journey, I’ve had many epiphanies about the boy. I would tell family and friends “I’m done” but I never really was because he IS a great guy and I DO really care about him. And I truly believed he loved me despite the fact that he was too scared to at least try to be in a relationship with me. What has finally dawned on me is this:

If a guy really loves you, you shouldn’t have to persuade him to be with you. That person will want to take the chance even if it means the relationship will fail. That person will have enough faith to take the leap. If he or she doesn’t, it isn’t worth it.

So when you say you’re done, it better be for good.

Thank you light bulb.