Mindy Kaling and That Question About Her Racial Preference

Let me set the scene: It's the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and E! correspondent Alicia Quarles (African-American) is interviewing celebs on the red carpet. Mindy Kaling (American-Indian) stops on her way inside to give an interview and part of their conversation goes a little like this:

 Quarles:'So who's your type?
 Kaling: 'Who's my type? Good looking,'
 Quarles: 'Okay, so any color?'
 Kaling: 'Yeah'
 Quarles: 'Girl, kiss some Black men on that show.'
 Kaling: 'Oh, I have and I will. It’s something people can look forward to.'

Hmmm.  This racist-ish interview... will be addressed another time.

Have you ever been asked what your racial preference is when it comes to dating?

 I have. A lot.

 It seems like an innocent enough question but it's weird that it even matters.

What I have discovered is that a lot of my friends think I "belong" with someone outside of my race. I've been told that I should date white men because black men can't "handle" me. I've been told I'm the kind of black girl that should be dating a white guy.

 What kind of Black girl can handle a Black guy? What does that even mean?

It irritates me that because of my personality, people feel I'm somehow not right for a black male.  But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself I don't care.

Because guess what? I am an equal-opportunity employer. My preference is HOT. I also like them funny, considerate and good to their families. I like a guy that is just as comfortable at a Kanye concert as he is at a Foo Fighters concert. I like a guy who has morals. I like guys who work hard. And I like them hot. Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, John Cho, Diego Luna, God-Bless-Your-Parents-Your-Ass-Is-Fine-Hot.

But it's not a deal-breaker if you're awesome.

At the end of the day if you're with someone you love and who treats you right, does it really matter how much melanin he/she has?

This Isn't Going To Work Because I Don't Like You

You know when you meet someone and at first it's all good? 

You like the way he looks, he's funny, he gets your funny. He's smart, he's got dimples. Then as you're getting to know the person via BBWhatMessengerChat, you realize you guys just don't gel?

Sure, he's not a raging homophobe (true story), or into beastiality (sigh... true story). Those are obvious deal breakers, right? 

RIGHT?!? 

Maybe he says something you find incredibly annoying (like "that's wassup" in an un-ironic way) or has John Mayer as his profile pic on Facebook (true story and as confusing as ever). Maybe he's a "drill baby drill" kind of guy while you're a granola muncher. Maybe he calls you "sweet baby love" (ew).

The question is, does one overlook the annoying but not awful habit? Does not overlooking said habit make someone a picky bitch?

These are the questions I have to ask myself now. Because my age and ringless fingers are alarming my relatives.

While I'm sure single men of a certain age get hounded as well, being a single woman in her twenties in Nigeria is akin to being an alcoholic. Get ready for conversations to start with "I'm worried about you", prayer circles in your honor and interventions (fo' real).

Nevermind that you graduated with honors, are the youngest exec at the company you work for, just climbed Mt. Kilamanjo. You have not wedded so you have not been bedded (because we're all virgins until our wedding night, right ladies) so you have not shot a baby out of your vagina.

It ALWAYS comes back to babies.

Long story short, I am being introduced to every man with a pulse that is Yoruba (my family's a bunch of tribalists).

I was set up on a blind date by my mother and uncle. It was awkward. It was the worst. A pap smear would have been preferable. The prospect of another blind date is enough to make the pickiest girl reconsider some old prospects, John Mayer profile pic and all. 

When You Say "Let's Get Married" You Mean Forever, Right?

Forever eva forever eva forever eva?

I mean... Forever is a long time. A long time to be married to the same person. A long time to be sharing your space with another person. Is it even natural?

How well do you ever really know the person you're married to? It always fascinates me; watching those shows about husbands or wives that end up being serial killers. Not because I'm shocked but because this could happen to anyone! You think you know him/her but unless you have access to his/her head, you don't really know what's going on, do you?

Do you know the person you're sleeping next to?

Should you know the person you're sleeping next to? Call me crazy but there is nothing appealing to me about telling all of my secrets, thoughts, shit to another person. It's private and no I don't want to share. Am I the only one who thinks it's unhealthy to share every aspect of your life with another person?

Under the best circumstances, it's all so final and permanent. And how often is marriage under the best circumstances?

Dating In Your Twenties; A Decade Of Figuring It Out.

"Girls" is that show that had all that buzz around it. The show on HBO about single ladies living in New York. The show people were comparing to "Sex and the City" which I think is unfair.  It's a show written by Lena Dunham, a woman in her twenties,  about women in their twenties. Big difference.

I'll have to check it out before making any comments (I've read the complaints about the lack of diversity)  but thinking about the premise of the show had me thinking about me and my friends, most of us single, in our twenties, living all over the place.

A while back, my sister Yemi and one of our mutual besties Viviam were having a bit of a tiff. It was more of a misunderstanding; Yemi thought Viv was becoming a bit boy crazy and Viv thought Yemi was being insensitive.

I was called by each of them, listened as both ladies made valid points.

Yes, as her friend, my sister should be more supportive. But as Yemi pointed out she "couldn't relate to all the boy drama". And that was the problem.

See, Yemi has not had the always amazing, confidence boosting pleasure of dating in her twenties. She met her fiance when she was 20. There's a whole world out there that she will never experience.

So to her, Viv and I (because I too have called her with the drama) were a little pathetic. She would NEVER say it but I know my sister. She's that girl. The girl who was incredibly blessed with a great guy and a healthy relationship early in life and is looking down at the rest of us with non-malicious pity.

But that's okay with me. I didn't do much of anything as a teenager so I'm due for a few f*ck ups.  I'm also a writer who thrives on experiences and dating in your twenties is definitely an experience.

When you're a teen, there's often an awkwardness, an uncertainty about everything. So when you date mistakes, it's unfortunate but can at least be chalked up to a learning experience. When you're in your twenties, you may not be the wisest of the bunch but you should know better. Which makes the mistakes so much more embarrassing. The knowing that something is wrong/bad for you and going ahead and doing it any way, fully aware of your actions, unable to hide behind naivete.

There's also the pressure; both Viv and I are constantly being asked why we haven't found a proper boyfriend to seriously date and ultimately marry. Is this a cultural thing (Viv's Peruvian-American, I'm Nigerian-American)?  Because gone are the days of just dating for the hell of it. Each guy we date is potentially our husbands to our families and we're both only 26.

Also there's the ick factor. Looking back at the mistakes of my teens, I can laugh it off like "I can't believe I spent so much time on that loser" . But the mistakes of my twenties make me cringe. Viv and I spent a good two hours comparing notes on the symptoms we experience when even thinking of some of our mistakes: slight nausea, shudders and a mixture of shame, mortification and disgust. A wave of "I can't believe I let him touch me" grossed-outness washes over us at the mere thought of certain mistakes. Then the question of why. Why oh why oh why?

I guess it's because dating in your twenties is all about figuring it out. We know what's wrong and what's right but we have to be sure it's wrong or right for us so we go ahead and test the waters. It's about growing up, getting over the uncertainty of our teens, learning not to apologize for figuring out what we want.

It's mostly bullshit but so is everything else in life.

JMO: Blake Lively Is Not A Skank, Slut, Whore, Slore.

"Ok, so we're all here 'cause of this book, right? Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores."

- Tina Fey's Ms. Norbury, Mean Girls

She's had the kind of last two years that catapults careers and she's  linked to some of the hottest men in Hollywood on a regular basis. This makes mean, bored housewives with nothing better to do call her a slut on People.com because she didn't decide to go celibate after breaking up with Penn Badgley.


But you know what?  I applaud her. I take off my hat and say "well done good sir"! Because she is talented (compared to other actresses anyway). And she's 24, single and hot. Why shouldn't she date? Because she has a vagina?

Put down the haterade and think for a moment. If you're single, you're young, and attractive, you're gonna date. Yeah, the guys we spend Friday night with probably don't look like Leo and Ryan but that's not her fault. We all date; some dates turn into relationships and some don't.

You gotta sample the rainbow before you find the gold. Let her sample the rainbow!


I'm on a break from sampling right now. When I look at the rainbow Blake Lively gets to sample from and I look at mine, I get kinda sad.

Men Really Love Hair and Other Mini Revelations

So I was at this event when A*, this guy I went on a date with a couple of months ago, walked right past me.

“Hey A!”

He turned around, did a double take and walked over to me.

“Hey J. I didn’t recognize you.”

“I cut my hair.”

“Oh, oh… why?”

Strike One.

“Um, you know I just wanted a change. You know, do something different”

“Okay, okay. Well it’s, it’s” A looked at my head like he was looking for a bird’s nest. Maybe he was looking for an appropriate adjective? Or maybe an escape route? “It’s different”.

It’s different? A just spent the last thirty seconds looking for a word and he settled for different.

Strike Two.

“Yeah well change is good. And it’s hair so it’ll grow back.”

“Yeah but it’s going to take a long time!”

Strike Three.

I know hair is a big deal for guys but dang, you’d think I grew facial hair or something.

Anyway lovelies, I cut my hair!

You like? It’s okay if you don't , I wasn’t crazy about it a month ago. But it’s grown a bit and I’m kind of stuck with it so oh well.

A while ago, I wrote a post about my obsession with curls. I went to the Mackage show in February, interviewed Tippi Shorter, saw her head of sexy tendrils and decided my flat strands were the worst thing in my life. So I stopped relaxing it. Determined to transition back to my natural hair without chopping everything off like I did the previous THREE times (yeah, I’m no stranger to a pair of scissors), I did lots of braidouts, lots and lots of braidouts. I lasted eight months before I got scissor happy.

And now I look like a boy.

I kidd.

Sorta.

What do you guys think of the cut?

Is "different" boy-code for "unforgivably hideous"?

Am I the only one who thinks A should have gone with "you're still cute as a button and totally dateable with or without hair you witty, lovely, sexy minx"?

* A isn't the guy's real name. Duh.

A Black Woman's Love Life: One Epic Fail

"How many men do you know...black men...who can effectively deal with
a mate who has more education...and makes more money?
Not many. They freak." Drew's friend, Jungle Fever.

















Greetings from my incredibly hot room.

I apologize for the weird posting; I forgot it was scheduled to be posted on Friday and I never finished it.

I’ve been sitting on this video for months now, debating whether or not throwing my opinion into the discussion would be worth it. After all, this topic is more played out than a Lady Gaga song.

But it's out now so...

Let the rant begin.

I’ve posted quite a few videos that have been making the rounds online. They are all about black women and why they’re still single. More specifically, they discuss black women and their standards, the demise of the black family and dating outside of one’s race.

Check out the videos if you have time. If you’d rather not, I’ll list off some statistics for you:

• According to the ABC News video, there are more black women than black men in the United States. 2 million more.
• If every black man married a black woman, one in twelve would still find themselves left out.
• 42% of black women have never been married.

The statistics go on and on. So what’s the problem?

Well it looks like the blame has been put on me and every other single black lady out there. We’re too picky. Yep, we are too picky.
Hill Harper explains “95% of black women want the 5% of black men” ,
Jimmy Israel calls it the “”Denzel Principle”. He says “you’re looking for Mr.Perfect when you yourself aren't.”

Steve Harvey says pretty much the same thing. Black women don’t want to date a black man who doesn’t have his shit together and they need to learn to date men who may not.
This brings me to a very interesting article. The New York Times article pretty much explored the repercussions of men marrying women who were more successful professionally.

I, for one, am utterly bored with this topic which is why it’s taken me so long to address it. There really isn’t a satisfactory explanation for why black women are still single. It is what it is.

I can't speak for anyone but myself so I won't generalize.

I'm called picky all the time. ALL the time. And I don't give a rat's ass. Because I know I'm not. Picky is dissing a guy because his sneakers aren't designer. Picky is turning a guy down because he doesn't like the same music as you.

I will give every guy a chance, meaning I'll talk to you.

I am, however, careful. In my experience, ignoring my instincts and going on a date when I knew it wasn't right has been a waste of my time.

• I meet way too many guys who are suffering from the slut syndrome. They have girlfriends and still try to date someone on the side. And then they have the audacity to get angry when a woman finds out and wants to end things (like they're doing all women a favor by dating as many of us as possible).
• I meet way too many guys who think because they speak English, they're special.You don't have a job, fine. But you're not in school either. You're not disabled, so what are you doing? Surely you don't expect me to date someone who has no desire whatsoever to do anything. If that's the case, you're just a walking vibrator.
  
• I meet way too many guys who want a 10 when they're a 4 at best.
• I meet way too many guys who become resentful instead of supportive when their girlfriends' careers take off.
• I meet way too many guys who don't reciprocate the support they expect.

Like I said, it is what it is. But for the sake of this argument, let me lower my expectations. I'll throw my ridiculous list out the window and start off easy: be single. Really single. Don't have a wife or a girlfriend and try talking to me.

I can tell you right now that eliminates most of the guys that have approached me in the last three years.

Now let's start the talk about how "women expect too much from men" and "men will be men and do what men do".

So over it.

Does Monogamy Work?

How do these two do it?

Disclaimer: I am sorry in advance for this particular rant.

Thank you.

You know, as I get older and I get closer to being in the position where I can start actively pursuing my dreams, I can’t help but ask myself how monogamy makes sense.

Hear me out:

I love my alone time, I can literally go a week without really seeing anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I love people but being with someone all the time? ALL THE TIME? Why would anyone want to see a person that much?

And change is constant! We as people are constantly growing and evolving. Won’t our needs and the qualities we desire in partners change too?

And what about our aspirations? I’ve heard relationships are all about compromise but when does compromising get in the way of pursuing our dreams?

Then it hit me; relationships don’t sound that fun. Sure, committing to one person forever sounds all well and good in theory but really think about it: a relationship is all about committing. So is that a promise to never fall out of love? Is that a promise to always love a person who is at the moment your world?

Doesn’t sound fair to me. God forbid a person has a change of heart, right?

For the record, I like to think of myself as a realistic idealist. My parents are happily married and celebrated their 30 year wedding anniversary in December. I’m not jaded, I actually love love.
Birds chirping, angels singing, dancing on clouds love. Whatever, it’s all good.

With that said, I’ve seen enough relationships crash and burn to know they aren’t always a bed of roses.
I think the idea of finding one person to spend forever with is great and I used to look forward to meeting someone I could share my life with.

But with age comes more common sense.

I went on a date with a guy who was great on paper; really single, mature, smart, handsome, morally sound and successful. But when presented with an actual option, the thought of settling down right now made me physically ill. Seriously.

But what do I know? I am your quintessential single gal; I’ve never been in a relationship. I have no cred when it comes to love and committing and all that good stuff.

So I am asking all of the happily domesticated people out there: what’s your favorite thing about being in a committed relationship?