Happy 30th Birthday, Jay.

Jay at his Introduction, Lagos 2012.

As some of you know, my brother-in-law passed away two days after Christmas. I still can't make sense of what happened.

I have written variations of this post countless times in the last nine months. Each time, I type a few sentences before realizing it's pointless; the words I need to express what I'm feeling just don't exist.

I think about the depth of my grief and I know it pales in comparison to what his parents are feeling, to what his sister is feeling, to what his wife (my sister) is feeling.

There are several things I found out about Jay in the last nine months yet none of those things surprise me. Like the fact that he and a classmate drove to Sandy Hook, CT after the horrific shootings at a local elementary school and joined other protesters who successfully prevented Westboro Baptist Church from picketing a vigil. That's just how Jay was. He wasn't the type of guy to watch something awful happen on TV,  think "well that sucks" and then go about his day. He was a man who felt the need to act.

It's incredibly comforting to learn other people knew how amazing Jay was. It's great when people approach us and share their stories about Jay's character, his conviction, his sarcasm, his all-around goodness.

Instead of pretending I understand any of this, I just want to share excerpts from some of the letters Jay's colleagues and professors wrote and sent to UMass Boston's Writ Large magazine after he passed away. He was modest but I'm more than happy to brag about him, especially on his birthday.

"Jay's presence was compelling - not because he spoke a lot, but because there was an earnestness in his eyes and demeanor, a piercing attention that he conveyed in the manner in which he listened to what his classmates had to say, the tilt of his head as he contemplated the implications of certain ideas, and the taut energy of his body leaning into the words that swirled around in that memorable class. He was an idealist, a person who believed in kindness and compassion and truth. He was determined to participate in creating conditions that would make us live up to our best intentions.

In the four years that I had the privilege of knowing Jay, I felt his special qualities. he was a gift to us all. I was deeply touched to hear from his mother recently that Jay "found himself" at UMass Boston. We feel lucky that Jay thought of UMass Boston as his first academic home. He will always be very dear to us."

Rajini Srikanth
Professor, English, Dean, Honors College, University of Massachusetts Boston

"Honestly, I did not know Jay very well, but what I know of him I liked. I knew he was involved in the National Lawyers' Guild and that he participated in our International Human Rights Clinic. I knew he cared about his community based on his active participation in the law school's "town hall" meetings that fall. I liked all of those things. I did not know his whole back story; about how committed he was to doing something worthwhile with his law degree; about how he took a while to get his bearings in life; or about how he met and fell in love with his wife. I learned about those things at his memorial service. 

That memorial service was beautiful. The minister did a greta job, but the assembled family and friends moved me to tears. I left there really feeling the loss of a person who had the passion, commitment and intelligence to make a difference in the world. I felt that loss not only as the Dean of his law school, knowing that I lost an alumnus who could have made his mark in the world, but also as a citizen and fellow human being, knowing that someone who was willing to try and fight the good fight was never going to get the chance. I could not help but feel the pain of potential unrealized. I will think of that lost potential often."

Eric Gouvin,
Dean of the Western New England University School of Law

"Jay's politics, I gradually learned, were formed largely by his deep commitment to the simple notion that we all ought to treat each other well. He was convinced that the political/economic system we live under prevented that. Jay had already made many contributions to a better world when he was so inexplicably taken from us. In his quiet way, he surely would have made many more."

Bruce Miller
Professor of Law,
Western New England University School of Law

"Jay attracted people to him for good reason. Because of his qualities - modesty, passion, goodness, intelligence and personality - Jay influenced those around him in a commendable way. Rather than lament what Jay might have been, I see in his legacy an example. Because Jay possessed such admirable qualities, he attracted people to him and made a positive impact upon them. Through that influence, Jay's goodness, passion and spirit will live on."

Julie E. Steiner
Associate Professor of Law,
Western New England University School of Law

Fitting in is Overrated.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I made raw carrot cake (recipe coming up) and we ate that with corn on the cob and ewedu soup because we are weirdos. Then we watched The Proposal for the 100th time because Mom loves Sandra Bullock. It was a very chill day.

My mom is the best. She has the biggest heart and is open and always lends a helping hand. She also worries. She could win a medal for worrying.

My mom said the sweetest/saddest thing to me while we were chatting about her and my dad. She said she was scared for me because I'm a fish out of water and while she loves that I'm with her in Nigeria, she feels like I'm never going to make friends. If I don't have friends, I'll never meet new people. If I don't meet new people, I'll never date. If I never date, I'll never have a boyfriend, never get married, never have kids and BINGO!

It always comes back to kids for my mom.

Anyway, I was touched. I know she's worried about me but I do have friends. And I personally like being a fish out of water. I'm used to it. When I'm in the states, I'm the African girl. When I'm in Nigeria, I'm the American girl. I can't change how I'm perceived and I learned a long time ago not to sweat it.

I'm not going to lie. I miss my siblings. I miss my friends. I miss America. I miss fast internet. I miss Whole Foods. God, I MISS TV.

I miss constantly.

At the same time, I get paid really well to do what I love full-time. I'm working on my first book. I'm traveling to places I've dreamed of going to for years. I get to spend time with my family here and learn about a culture that has shaped every aspect of my life.

My point is, fitting in is overrated. So is being comfortable. I would much rather be different, push myself, step outside the proverbial box and live in as many different ways as possible. I lived in the states for most of my life. It's scary living somewhere else. It's scary being surrounded by people who think so differently.

In this case, scary is good. Try scary and see what happens.

Rest in Peace Daddy.

"God created you perfectly."

The last thing my dad said to me before he passed.

I don't think my dad understood me very much. I'm the 4th daughter and I’ve always been kind of spacey. He was a businessman; I’m artsy. He was a realist; I’m an optimist.  We looked exactly the same (down to the gap in our teeth) but we couldn’t be more different. The great thing about him was he never made me feel inadequate. He was always supportive of my dreams no matter which direction I took them in. My dad was awesome. I couldn’t possibly make anyone understand how awesome in a blog post.

I love him, I miss him and I think about him every day.

*I don't have any recent photos of him and me together because I wanted to wait until he gained some weight.

I’m an idiot.

In Jesus Name, DIE!!!

With my dad sick, a lot of family members and neighbors have been praying for him and having their pastors call to pray for him as well which is sweet and appreciated.

Some people have even sent their pastors to our house which, you know, is still appreciated but weird. Or am I weird for thinking that? Maybe it's the American in me.

In the last week, we've had over six pastors in our house.

Today's pastors came from The Mountain of Fire church.  The two men went to the living room where my dad was resting and they gave the rest of us (me, Mom, an uncle and an aunt) an outline of what was going to go down (prayer of thanks, some praise songs and then down to the nitty-gritty).

So we're praying and then singing and then the pastor asks us to pray that God has mercy on my dad which made me giggle because the way one guy was saying "have mercy" over and over, my mom was saying "in jesus name" over and over and another guy was just saying "mercy" over and over reminded me a lot of that episode of Potter Puppet Pals.

Anyway, we got to the point where the pastor said something along the lines of "now we will pray that those who have orchestrated Daddy's sickness for their benefit die."

Before I had time to process that,  it started: "In Jesus Name, DIEEEEE!" Over and over again. With someone just screaming "DIE".

I felt like I was listening to death metal.

It seemed to last forever and just when I thought it would never end, we moved on to the next prayer point. Which ended up being a variation of the last one. In fact, almost every prayer point after that involved death to anyone who wished my dad harm.

Oh my dear lord. Guys, I couldn't stop laughing.  I. Could. Not. Stop.

I certainly pray people who don't have my family's best interest in mind stay away but I can't really justify praying for someone to bite the bullet. But two pastors can. And that is what is so twisted about religion, the way people can justify something truly awful by bringing God into it.

I Guess I'll Never Be a Nurse

My dad had surgery, It was wildly successful,went far better than any of us hoped it would. Now he's recovering at home.

 No one ever talks about how once the initial health crisis is over, the recovery becomes the real challenge. In fact, it's a real bitch.

Post-delivery, my father is the grumpiest, most miserable person I've ever had to deal with. And I'd love to be able to be able mention with fake modesty how I've managed to persevere  and have been the model-caretaker through this getting better process.

But the truth is half the time I want to slap him and I have snapped a couple of times in response to his rudeness, inconsideration and general Debbie Downer ways. Some days, I wish I was back in New York and blissfully unaware of what's going on.

I'm an awful daughter.

Getting Peed On By Dad and Other Misadventures of March

So Arise Magazine Fashion Week happened but I had to leave early. That was pretty much the beginning of the worst month ever.

See my dad's been sick and while I was on the island with the models, designers and fashion bitches, his health got worse.

March marked a lot of firsts. I stayed overnight in a Nigerian hospital for the first time, my father cried in front of me for the first time, and he peed on me (accidentally). It's been quite the bonding experience.

Dealing with my father during his sickness has been like dealing with a child. Except this child remembers he's the adult that brought me into this world at the most inconvenient times. When that happens, I'm the recipient of a verbal beating that would land most people in therapy.

When it comes to life I try to not take things too seriously (hence the haha tone in this post) but I'm not going to lie, it's been tough.  I'm thankful to God for my family right now. When shit hits the fan, we always manage to laugh while we're cleaning up the mess.

I'm Not Allowed To Carry My Own Bag In Nigeria

You know what irks me? I get here and I'm washing plates or sweeping and people are always shocked. Like growing up in America has rendered me incapable of wiping my own ass. It's even worse when I go to my father's village; if I'm carrying a suitcase into the house (the same suitcase I carried into the car) I get intersected at least three times by people who insist on carrying my stuff for me. I know they're coming from a good place but it's the most irritating thing EVER.

I'm not some lazy shit that doesn't like to move. Let me carry my own bag.

Birthday Wishes and Champagne Kisses

So my birthday was Sunday July 31. I'm 25 now!

I've been looking forward to this birthday since I was a teen and I had everything planned out because that's what I do; I plan my future out like I know exactly how things are going to turn out for me.

So when being out of a job for four months, not being able to go home to have the birthday party I wanted and not having my parents around to celebrate with me kind of put a damper on my mood, my sister and friends rallied around me and forced me to have a good time.

And I did. I spent the day eating a yummy breakfast, getting a mani-pedi and watching Roswell (perfection). In the evening, I wore my new "grown and sexy dress", went out and had a great time.

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday special. I love you guys <3

So was turning 25 a huge change? Actually yes. No, I'm not sitting on the floor in my room crying because I wasn't carded at the liquor store (half of the office thinks I'm a sophomore in college). But 25 does feel different. I'm recommitted to getting stuff done.I read The Alchemist for the hundredth time and it means so much more now that I'm older.

My tolerance for bullshit is a lot lower.

I feel like I'm really becoming the adult I always hoped I'd be.

It's a great feeling to be happy with yourself. Flaws and all.

Saying Goodbye : (

Three weeks wasn't nearly enough time with my parents.

Dad was worried they wouldn't be able to see me off if we didn't leave on time.

We dropped Tolu off and then headed to the airport.

My sad face.

Another pretty mosque.

Two of my favorite people in the world. I love you guys!

Dad Bought a Car

Three weeks of nagging paid off.

The Toyota above overheats easily so we constantly had to stop and let it cool down. In the car's defense, it only started acting up within the last year.

This Range Rover is like a black hole; you keep on throwing money into it and it never comes back.

My mechanic described my car that way once : )

And the Pajero.

Sigh.

It's time for the Pajero to retire. I'm pretty sure it's only a couple of years younger than me.

My dad drove home in this yesterday.

It's nice to know my parents will be able to go to Ipetu without having to stop several times because of the car overheating.

: )

Dad's Gift to Grandma.

My dad has been working on a memorial site for his mom for a while now. I'm so happy he's been able to keep her memory alive with the work he's doing in Ipetu and I can't wait till the opening of the hall in June!

Village Living Part Two.

Village Living.

When we arrived in Ipetu, we kind of just relaxed. Well me and Tolu relaxed. My parents were busy visiting friends.

The next day, it was time to work. My dad and mom showed me and Tolu around the motel they built.

How cute are they?

This is one of the rooms. I personally think the colors are too dark . What do you guys think?

This is across the street from my grandparent's house. My parents have decided to build their own home so we'll be more comfortable. There's a lot of us Ajayis and with Yemi's wedding coming up, we'll need to accommodate the family as well as friends.

After the tour, it was time to run more errands. Yippee. Can't you tell Tolu is positively psyched?

I wore this outfit during AMFW. I love the skirt so much I'll probably ask to be buried in it.

The land near Ipetu is relatively untouched which is refreshing. There's nothing but green for miles and miles.

I didn't know Aquafina was sold in Nigeria. I wonder when that happened. I wonder if it tastes the same. I wonder if they have Dasani.

Road Trip to the Village.

So after the awesome time I had covering AMFW, it was time to pack my bags for a completely different experience.

The village.

Ipetu to be specific, my father's hometown. It's located in Osun state. I'm pretty sure this Ipetu isn't referring to my dad's village but what do I know? I can't even speak Yoruba.


Anyway, I can't put into words how much my father loves his home. Over the past few years, he and my mom have spent more and more time there. So it was really important that I made a trip there before heading back to New York.

Besides, since I visited in 2007, my parents opened a motel there as well as a hall in honor of my paternal grandmother. I wanted to see the changes.



This is one of my closest friends,Tolu. Me, Yemi (one of my sister's) and Dimeji (my brother) all went to Home Science Association Secondary School when we lived in Nigeria. Tolu was in me and Yemi's set and we've kept in touch over the years.


Tolu's a Nurse now. I like to call her the "baby saver" because she works with infants.

The last time I was in Nigeria, Tolu went with us to Ipetu so it was nice that she could join us again.

We were squished in the back of the car with a freaking huge bag of rice, loaves of bread, two barrels of catfish and some other random stuff.

While Tolu slept, I took photos.


The Nestle factory in Sagamu. I think.

My parents stopped to buy dried tilapia but snails are very popular too. Hey, I may be a vegan now but I still have my memories.

My mom raises snails on our property in Alagbado. And catfish. And she has four goats. Oh, how things change.