90s Nostalgia: Felicity and Ben

That time Felicity called Ben out on being a little bitch-baby about his feelings and not committing even though we all know he was into her.

Sigh.  It's never easy with the guy we want.

Confession: I was totally Team Noel back in the day.

Jealousy is a Waste of Your Time.

I was talking to a friend about Instagram and some of the people we both follow and she told me that she unfollowed a lot of people recently. When I asked why, she said seeing those women post pics of their seemingly perfect lives was making her feel insecure and jealous and she didn't want that kind of energy around her so she just stopped.

I totally get. It's so easy to forget that what people post on social media is an edit of their lives; all of the fat days, zit days, no-sleep-last-night days etc. are left on the virtual cutting room floor.

But for me, I love following people that I admire. It inspires and motivates me. This wasn't always the case.

I remember being a teen telling my mom that I was jealous of a girl. I'm not sure why but  I think it was something about her skin (I've dealt with cystic acne since I was about 10). My mom told me back then, "instead of wasting your time being jealous, why don't you just ask and find out how she did it?" It never occurred to me that I too could get what another girl had just by asking how and then working for it.

I didn't actually take my wise mom's advice until a few years later when I was in college. I was walking on a treadmill, pre-occupied with the lady in front of me because of her perfect ass. It was a phenomenal, perfectly shaped, non-jiggly ass. I remember being so annoyed, thinking "why does she get to have a perfect butt and I'm stuck with this cellulite-ridden backside? That bitch. Life is so unfair, woe is me, wahhhhhhhh."

I was actually heated but my pity party was cut short when I remembered what my mom said. What was the point of being jealous? It didn't help me at all. It wouldn't make my ass look like hers. Just like that, I made a decision to stop wasting my time being jealous of other people. If I wanted something, all I had to do was work hard for it.

I jumped off of the treadmill and approached the lady with the perfect ass. I told her I loved her butt (because flattery never hurt one's cause and it was the truth) and asked what she did to keep it looking amazing.

Lunges.

My point is, let those who have what you want motivate you. Make them your allies in reaching that goal, not your enemies. At the end of the day success in anything is about hard work and no one can do that work for you.

Besides, nobody likes a hater.

Life Lessons.

"“There’s a wonderful old Italian joke about a poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, “Dear saint-please, please, please…give me the grace to win the lottery.” This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated statue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust, “My son-please, please, please…buy a ticket.”" 


—  "Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don’t have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.” - Liz Gilbert 

 Here’s to buying a ticket.

Reposted from one of my favorite blogs: sydbelle.tumblr.com.

Shits and Giggles Mondays

Happy Monday y'all! Don't forget that "only the winner gets to copulate."

It's a tidbit of info that can really be applied to our lives, kind of like "work hard, play hard."

Real Sex Tips.

"I am not asking for it unless I actually ask for it."

I wish I could hug this poem.

Mindy Kaling and That Question About Her Racial Preference

Let me set the scene: It's the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and E! correspondent Alicia Quarles (African-American) is interviewing celebs on the red carpet. Mindy Kaling (American-Indian) stops on her way inside to give an interview and part of their conversation goes a little like this:

 Quarles:'So who's your type?
 Kaling: 'Who's my type? Good looking,'
 Quarles: 'Okay, so any color?'
 Kaling: 'Yeah'
 Quarles: 'Girl, kiss some Black men on that show.'
 Kaling: 'Oh, I have and I will. It’s something people can look forward to.'

Hmmm.  This racist-ish interview... will be addressed another time.

Have you ever been asked what your racial preference is when it comes to dating?

 I have. A lot.

 It seems like an innocent enough question but it's weird that it even matters.

What I have discovered is that a lot of my friends think I "belong" with someone outside of my race. I've been told that I should date white men because black men can't "handle" me. I've been told I'm the kind of black girl that should be dating a white guy.

 What kind of Black girl can handle a Black guy? What does that even mean?

It irritates me that because of my personality, people feel I'm somehow not right for a black male.  But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself I don't care.

Because guess what? I am an equal-opportunity employer. My preference is HOT. I also like them funny, considerate and good to their families. I like a guy that is just as comfortable at a Kanye concert as he is at a Foo Fighters concert. I like a guy who has morals. I like guys who work hard. And I like them hot. Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, John Cho, Diego Luna, God-Bless-Your-Parents-Your-Ass-Is-Fine-Hot.

But it's not a deal-breaker if you're awesome.

At the end of the day if you're with someone you love and who treats you right, does it really matter how much melanin he/she has?

Sorry for not Being Sorry.

This is everything.

The Perks of Being Homeless.

Last November, I started a really grown-up job at a magazine in Nigeria. Sure, it went against my original plan (graduate from college, work in NY as an editorial assistant making my way up to editor, write my first book and spend the rest of my days freelancing for ridiculous amounts of money) but seeing as I never worked my way up to editor before moving straight to freelance writing, I figured I could go back a few steps. Besides the lure of a 9-5 job with a steady paycheck was too appealing.

 So with my grown-up job, came the need for a grown-up apartment and all the responsibilities that go along with it. I would be lying if I said I didn't love my fancy job and my fancy apartment and an excuse to wear heels every day. I do well with structure, I kinda need it to be productive. And I liked not having to explain what I do for once. I am constantly battling my sensitivity to the fact that some people don't take what I do seriously. Working from home comes with a constant side-eye from people who don't understand how you get paid to be in your pajamas in the afternoon. So having a "real" job was nice.

 Flash-forward a year and I'm back in the states for the time being. I let go of my job and my apartment is vacant. My current billing address has a Connecticut zip code so I guess that's my current home except it isn't permanent. My sister is already itching for her alone time so I can't imagine she'll want me around very long. When she's ready, I'll give her and my nephew the space to live their lives. When that happens, I don't know what the next step is but I think I'm done with the office life this time. One of the things I've enjoyed about the last two years is the amount of traveling I've done. Why stop now? The perks of being single, childless and homeless is being unattached. I've said it before and I'll say it again, when it comes to your life being a selfish asshole is okay.

Reformed People Pleaser.

I'm a huge believer in self-reflection as a preliminary step towards self-improvement. I'd be lying if I said I have it all figured out now that I'm older. I constantly find myself having to relearn the lessons I was taught before.  I noticed most of the things that bother me about me have a common thread. Let's see if you recognize it:

• Saying "sorry" all the time. 
• Caring too much when someone doesn't like me.
• Bending over backwards to accommodate people.
• Putting other people's priorities before my own.

Raise your hand if you're a people pleaser?

Yeah, being a people pleaser sucks. I don't want to do it anymore.

People pleasing is like being addicted to drugs. I love the feeling I get from helping people. The problem there is, the dealers of the euphoria people pleasing gives, know you love that shit. Next thing you know, you've given everything you have just for the fleeting feeling of knowing you "did the right thing", "were a huge help", "are the best", "are the nicest".

Fuck that noise.

When Your Taste in Men is Shit.

I realized I've been dating for ten years. Isn't that crazy? I don't even know how to feel about that. If dating was a career and the last ten years were a bust, wouldn't it be time to switch careers?

Or is it more about the journey and all that other zen stuff?

We can all hope that as we age, we wizen up. I certainly have. There are a lot of things I believed in and did in my late teens/early twenties that I now realize was just stupid. For example, after reflecting on the past ten years, I can admit my taste in men was bad.

I would have saved myself a lot of time if I had some standards and stuck to them.

I realize now that:

I no longer feel the need to entertain a guy just because he's interested in me. 

My mother has started giving my number out to randoms. I guess I should be more upset but I really don't care. My policy is "just because you call, doesn't mean I have to pick up the phone."

I can't tell you how many guys I went out with because I wanted to give them a chance, even though I wouldn't let them near my hands, let alone my vagina. Ladies, if you're not into the guy asking, don't feel bad about it and go out with him anyway.


Sensitive, arty types with hipster tendencies are the WORST.

Having a boyfriend seemed like one of the most amazing things ever as a teenager. But it wasn't just about having a boyfriend, it was about having the right boyfriend. I'm a product of the 90s and I was an angsty youth which pretty much means Angela Chase was my jam. So in my head, the perfect guy for me had to be sensitive but strong, self-deprecating but confident, good-looking but completely unaware of it, and an artist (because I wanted someone who would "get me"), a fan of indie music (being in a band was negotiable).

28 yr old me to 17 yr old me: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 

Does a good-looking artist who is confident but modest exist? I'll never know because I am done with artists.

What used to sound so cool to me is, in reality, a freaking nightmare. I dated an actor for a while. I have never been with a more confused, indecisive person in my life. There's nothing romantic about a guy that doesn't know what he wants.

Guys either like you or they don't.

Look, don't waste your time with guys who can't take the time to pick up a phone and call. Don't waste your time on a guy that makes every single warning sign buzz and light up. If you have to constantly rationalize why he:

only texts you at night,

is in a "complicated" relationship,

likes you a lot but doesn't want to put labels on anything,

doesn't know what you do for a living/ what your last name is/ takes you to a steak restaurant on your bday even though you're a vegan and you told him that (true fucking story).

ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!

So my goal in life is to find a balance between these ideas:

Don't waste your time. 

AND

Don't crap on anything in life that teaches you a lesson and helps you grow.

Here's to figuring it out.

Improvements.

As a person who likes to have a plan, it's a daily struggle to embrace the present and not think about the future. What I'm learning on a daily basis is that I have no control over what happens in my life and I shouldn't worry about things I can't change.

 I guess it's all about mastering the art of acceptance.

This is most certainly not the life I planned for myself, at least not in the details. Are any of us where we thought we would be when we were younger?  Some of you probably are. Lucky bitches.

Well I am speaking to the rest of you when I say, continue to live through the experiences and circumstances and events that are making up your history. You'll find that you are closer to the woman/man you always imagined you'd be. Every day, remind yourself to just continue to work, work on being better, work on making decisions that would make that person proud.

Quote It.

Word.

Antigua 2013

It's so easy to take amazing photos when you're in an amazing place.

Antigua is gorgeous.

I'll share more photos. Eventually.

Shits and Giggles Mondays.

Me. All the damn time.

Disillusionment.

My disappointment with life when I realized highschools generally didn't have dance routines performed during prom.

Audubon Center for Birds of Prey

I travel down to Florida often. I was born and raised in Miami until the age of 12 and then I lived in Orlando while I attended college. I finally moved away for good when I was 23.

While I don't see myself living there again, I love visiting my friends and taking advantage of the awesome weather.

 These photos were taken in July when I visited one of my oldest and dearest friends, Brandon.

 Brandon volunteers at the center every week. He's a badass.    

 




 

Almost 30.

Holy shit. I'm 28. How the hell did that happen? Where did the time go?

Am I happy to be getting older? Meh. I'm looking forward to my 30s but I worry. I mean, you guys, I thought I'd have a six-pack by now. My core is still soft and my ass is still cellulite-ridden. When will I have time to devote to CrossFit? Am I going to be physically average forever? What the hell am I doing with my life?

It makes me worry about accomplishments. Then I give myself a mental bitch-slap and get it together. I am proud of the life I have even though its not necessarily the life I wanted. Sure, I thought I'd be married with three kids by now. I thought I'd be a homeowner. I thought I'd own a shop. What I have instead is an amazing family, amazing friends, a job I love (when it's not making me crazy) a lot of stamps on my passport and the hard to come by IDM (i'mma do me) attitude . I don't believe in planning anymore. I don't believe in making myself miserable to please others. I do believe in being open to the possibilities of a path I've never walked before. I have no idea what the next year is going to be like and while I'm far from being ecstatic about the uncertainty of it all, I've learned to accept it and embrace it.

So yeah, I still have the athleticism of a stuffed animal. I'm working on it. I'm working on all of it. That counts for something, right?

This Beautiful Life.

"Don't shut God out".

Disclaimer for the readers that are awesome but not necessarily spiritual: I'mma get very Christian up in here, straight up Saved styles. I promise not to call you soulless atheists if you promise not to call me a bible thumper 'kay?

Sometimes God has a way of reaching out to you in ways you'd never expect. There I was finishing up an awesome interview with Ufuoma Ekpecham, the mastermind behind Josh & Nicol. I had everything I needed for the story but there's something about Ufuoma that makes you want to linger and continue the conversation. I imagine that if we were at a coffee house, we would have closed the place down.

There's no nee to rehash the whole thing. I will say that I am grateful. It was like she was sent to me to help me work through some things and I really really appreciate it. I needed to hear what Ufuoma said. I needed someone who has experienced the kind of loss I've experienced to remind me that now is not the time to shut myself off and be wary of God.

I used to be so strong in my faith. I was sure I had this bigger than life entity in my corner, watching out for me. When Dad and then Jay died, I lost that confidence. I wasn't just heartbroken, I was seriously wary of God and Christians. I basically side-eyed and eye-rolled my way through church on Sundays with the cynicism of a skeptic.

For the first time, I feel like I'm gong to get to a better place emotionally. I pray that as I continue to grow as a person, I'll be better prepared for the obstacles I will inevitably face in life.

Ufuoma, thank you so much. I honestly can't adequately explain what you did for me that day when you chatted with me about your life and when you talked about your relationship with God.

Why Can't My Life Be A Free People Short Film?

Rangeen Roshambo

Moving Forward.

One of the biggest shifts in my way of thinking has been the realization that my faith does not exempt me from heartache. Being Christian does not make me special. It seems like a simple enough notion but truly understanding that shit happens regardless of whether you are good or not was a straight-up epiphany.

 Being "good" doesn't mean God, or the universe, or whatever sovereign power, owes me. My faith is not the secret to a life void of heartache. And that shouldn't be the motivation anyway. You can be the most God-fearing person in the world and bad crap may still happen. And that's what we call life.

It's what we do when life isn't all rosy that really matters.These days, my biggest prayer-point is to ask for the strength to get through whatever life decides to throw at me that day. I ask that I never lose my desire to live, that I'm never made bitter by my circumstances, I pray for the strength to always do the right thing, to make compassionate decisions regardless of how many times I've been burned.

I'll tell ya guys, it's a fucking process.

To All The Insensitive Assholes Out There.

 It is incredibly messed up to assume that because you are a Christian, your life will not be shit one day. Because what you are saying is that every time something bad happens to someone, they somehow deserved it. What you are saying is that they did not pray hard enough.

It's incredibly offensive.

Telling someone who just lost a loved one "I hope he was a Christian" is offensive.
Asking someone who just lost a loved one "Did you guys tithe regularly?" is offensive.

It's always odd to me that the ones that claim to be full of Christ's love are often the most judgmental, inconsiderate, self-righteous people on the planet.

Disney's Minority Quota.

‎My sister's mother-in-law who is like a second mom to me, gifted me with the cutest Disney Princesses lunchbox.

Disclaimer:  I am not a Disney Princess girl. I'm not a Disney anything (Disney World is what I imagine hell is like). So to my friends out there, do not get me Disney stuff for Christmas.

It was a really sweet gift. It's pink and it has all the princesses on the front and as I looked down at it I thought, "aww".

Then I thought, "Why was Princess Jasmine bounced for Princess Tiana?"

This is what the lunch box looks like: 

Right?!? Where is Princess Jasmine? I LOVED Aladdin (RIP Genie) because it's awesome and since Disney took it's damn time creating a princess that was black, Princess Jasmine was the closest thing to relatable when it came to melanin. 

So now that little black girls have a princess that looks like them, little middle eastern girls are shit out of luck?

Is there some sort of quota I'm not aware of?

Here's another Disney Princess lunchbox:

I'm totally judging you, Disney.

Dear God, What The Hell?

Friends and family often ask how I'm holding up and I try to change the subject as diplomatically as possible.

I actively try not to think about his death because when I think about it, I burst into tears. It's not about being strong for everyone else; I emotionally cannot deal with this new reality so I don't. This is how I function.

So yeah, I guess I'm having a hard time.

Maybe I need more time and distance, something to help me find the reason or lesson in this. Maybe I will never be able to work through everything. I keep on being reminded that sometimes life is hard and unfair and often so sad that it can leave you shaken to the core. But I honestly don't think I need any more reminders.

To be honest, spiritually I've been in a very dark place. How do you move forward when everything you believed about the way the world works has been challenged?

Happy 30th Birthday, Jay.

Jay at his Introduction, Lagos 2012.

As some of you know, my brother-in-law passed away two days after Christmas. I still can't make sense of what happened.

I have written variations of this post countless times in the last nine months. Each time, I type a few sentences before realizing it's pointless; the words I need to express what I'm feeling just don't exist.

I think about the depth of my grief and I know it pales in comparison to what his parents are feeling, to what his sister is feeling, to what his wife (my sister) is feeling.

There are several things I found out about Jay in the last nine months yet none of those things surprise me. Like the fact that he and a classmate drove to Sandy Hook, CT after the horrific shootings at a local elementary school and joined other protesters who successfully prevented Westboro Baptist Church from picketing a vigil. That's just how Jay was. He wasn't the type of guy to watch something awful happen on TV,  think "well that sucks" and then go about his day. He was a man who felt the need to act.

It's incredibly comforting to learn other people knew how amazing Jay was. It's great when people approach us and share their stories about Jay's character, his conviction, his sarcasm, his all-around goodness.

Instead of pretending I understand any of this, I just want to share excerpts from some of the letters Jay's colleagues and professors wrote and sent to UMass Boston's Writ Large magazine after he passed away. He was modest but I'm more than happy to brag about him, especially on his birthday.

"Jay's presence was compelling - not because he spoke a lot, but because there was an earnestness in his eyes and demeanor, a piercing attention that he conveyed in the manner in which he listened to what his classmates had to say, the tilt of his head as he contemplated the implications of certain ideas, and the taut energy of his body leaning into the words that swirled around in that memorable class. He was an idealist, a person who believed in kindness and compassion and truth. He was determined to participate in creating conditions that would make us live up to our best intentions.

In the four years that I had the privilege of knowing Jay, I felt his special qualities. he was a gift to us all. I was deeply touched to hear from his mother recently that Jay "found himself" at UMass Boston. We feel lucky that Jay thought of UMass Boston as his first academic home. He will always be very dear to us."

Rajini Srikanth
Professor, English, Dean, Honors College, University of Massachusetts Boston

"Honestly, I did not know Jay very well, but what I know of him I liked. I knew he was involved in the National Lawyers' Guild and that he participated in our International Human Rights Clinic. I knew he cared about his community based on his active participation in the law school's "town hall" meetings that fall. I liked all of those things. I did not know his whole back story; about how committed he was to doing something worthwhile with his law degree; about how he took a while to get his bearings in life; or about how he met and fell in love with his wife. I learned about those things at his memorial service. 

That memorial service was beautiful. The minister did a greta job, but the assembled family and friends moved me to tears. I left there really feeling the loss of a person who had the passion, commitment and intelligence to make a difference in the world. I felt that loss not only as the Dean of his law school, knowing that I lost an alumnus who could have made his mark in the world, but also as a citizen and fellow human being, knowing that someone who was willing to try and fight the good fight was never going to get the chance. I could not help but feel the pain of potential unrealized. I will think of that lost potential often."

Eric Gouvin,
Dean of the Western New England University School of Law

"Jay's politics, I gradually learned, were formed largely by his deep commitment to the simple notion that we all ought to treat each other well. He was convinced that the political/economic system we live under prevented that. Jay had already made many contributions to a better world when he was so inexplicably taken from us. In his quiet way, he surely would have made many more."

Bruce Miller
Professor of Law,
Western New England University School of Law

"Jay attracted people to him for good reason. Because of his qualities - modesty, passion, goodness, intelligence and personality - Jay influenced those around him in a commendable way. Rather than lament what Jay might have been, I see in his legacy an example. Because Jay possessed such admirable qualities, he attracted people to him and made a positive impact upon them. Through that influence, Jay's goodness, passion and spirit will live on."

Julie E. Steiner
Associate Professor of Law,
Western New England University School of Law

Shits and Giggles Mondays.

If you have time to kill, check out My Friends Are Married and I'm Just 25 and Drunk. 

You're welcome and Happy Monday!

Deja Vu.

This feels familiar...

You know, me apologizing to the two of you who read my blog for my lengthy absence. Do we need to do this again or should we just skip the explanations?

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. If you want an explanation, please click here.

Though my blog hasn't been updated in almost a year, I have been writing these past few months so the blog will be updated with a mixture of posts that are old and new.

Warning! Warning! Warning!

With Jay gone, I've written a lot about how I'm dealing with it. I'll be posting those entries every Thursday. Those posts are going to be a bit more personal because I just feel like for people who've lost loved ones, it can often feel like no one around them gets it. Anyway, the posts may make some people uncomfortable. I write about my Christian upbringing a lot. I'm thinking of tagging the posts under "Caught In My Feelings" or "Emo Thursdays". What do you guys think?

Also, I'd like to give a shoutout to T.Notes, the blogger who wrote about my blog a while back on his blog (click here for that). Thanks for the love!

Love,

Juwon

Quote It.

I need to work on this.