I'm Too Old for The Warped Tour

Sooo...

Where do I begin? The beginning? Fantastic idea!

While it's not easy to make friends when you spend most of your time in front of a computer blogging about your irritation with skinny jeans being around for yet another season, I've met some cool people through my internships. One of those people happen to be Jamella (yo girl)!

Anywho, Jamella and I have tried to hang out and enjoy our time in this awesome city together. She told me about the Warped Tour taking place in Uniondale, NY and I thought why not? I've never been and it beats staying home on a Saturday.

After getting some work done for the boss lady, I put on what I thought was concert-appropriate attire (for someone who is too vain to be sensible). Donning a khaki hat, gray halter from Plato's Closet and a cute floral skirt from Target, I was ready to rock out like Penny Lane.

Let's fast forward through the ridiculously long commute to Uniondale shall we?

I get to this incredibly normal suburb (they have a Bravo there) and stroll up to the venue of the festival/concert and two of the vendors asked if I was there to pick up my kids. Blank stare. I'm sorry, what? Me? Really? Wow. This is going to create so many issues .

Once they saw the look of shock on my face, they asked me how old I was? I answered with a bit of an attitude but don't judge me until someone asks you if you have teenagers when you're only 23. The men (women wouldn't be so cruel) ofcourse backpedaled and told me I looked great but the damage was done. I am officially on a strict anti-wrinkle regimen.

Moving on...

I meet up with Jamella and we walked around a bit before heading over to the stage where one of her fave bands were playing. I should probably mention now how young everyone around me was. I'm not talking 18. People, I'm talking hormones, braces, acne and underage drinking. I was among adolescents, jail bait, kids. Yes, children. I had to be one of the oldest people actually attending this event. No wonder why those men thought I was middle-aged; they were surrounded by preschoolers all day.

Anyway, we squeeze ourselves in with the rest of the crowd and wait for Breathe Carolina to get on stage. When they did, everyone went wild. I'm not really familiar with any of the bands on the tour so it was cool to hear some different stuff and I was really enjoying myself. Then something happened. It was confusing really. Still is. I'm not sure what to make of it.

The guitarist/ keytarist Josh spit into the audience.

Spit.

And he was really into it too. His whole body participated as he inhaled and cleared his throat to really let a good one out. And it traveled quite a distance as well, not hitting the girls in the front but the girls behind them.

My time in New York has shown me that there's an art form to spitting. Since people here insist on spitting on sidewalks, on the road, outside of cabs and in the subway stations, I've had time to study different techniques. It's something to do when I forget my ipod. Sometimes I get lucky and I'll have a spitter on the actual train.

But back to the spitter on stage.

I was shocked that he spit. I was FLOORED when I heard the squeals of joy his snot-hawking elicited. What the hell is wrong with America's youth?

Moving on to the next band we saw, Escape the Fate. Well before they came on stage, me and Jamella were waiting - with more children- and then I felt something wet splash on my arm. I freaked. A little. I thought it was spit. Irrational? Maybe under normal circumstances.

Turns out it was water (I'm hoping). Besides the water splashing, actual bottles started descending from the heavens. Along with trash, barbecue sauce packets and everything else that had any weight at all. I was the lucky recipient of a bottle stuffed sock. It hit me on my head. See, the children around us were so bored that they decided to pass the time by throwing things into the crowd.

Because that makes time actually go faster.

Once the band came on stage, the bottle throwing stopped and they started a mosh pit instead. Me and Jamella elected to skip the moshing and watched the band's performance from the safety of the back.

I once again started listening to the music and I liked them. Then the lead singer had to go and ruin it by asking all the ladies in the crowd to climb up on a guy's - any guy- shoulders and let the band see their boobs.

And some girls did.

I've been holding it in but I have to ask: what the fuckity fuck?

The concerts ended and Jamella and I headed to the golden arches for some grub and then made the long journey home.

And that was my first Warped Tour experience. I obviously didn't love it but I had a great time hanging out with Jamella. I always love meeting new people and it was fun doing something different. But you won't be seeing me at another Warped Tour anytime soon.

Old folks like me are better suited for venues with a no - spitting policy.

Here are more pictures; video to come!